I buy honey entirely for the cute plastic bear minus his shoes.

The smell and taste of honey make me so sad for this little bear cub. He has to sit there, all cute like, and just be submerged in sticky honey. I really think they should change the shape to a wildabeast; I'm sure they'd love a good guzzle or two of ...honey. Winnie probably only likes the stuff because no is offering him anything better. Like, a good bowl of Heinz ketchup.

When I lived in Florida (4 years ago), I was fortunate enough to meet some people who have helped shape me into who I am--and hopefully who I will become. I lived with a couple (Beth and Glenn-Pops) who didn't even know me, but knew I was in a difficult situation and needed help with a place to live due to not being able to come home for a while. These folks are still in my life and I think of them often (especially when I am sitting around boo-hooing about some boy that hurt my fellings). Pops told me many, many times that my "picker" was so broken it might takes years to get it fixed :). I tell you about these jolly-good people first because I'm really trying to be proactive these days,and starting out my story with the next fool...would be a real kick in the head.

"Cortney, you have to stop wearing those awful shoes. Don't you know that people automatically judge you based on your shoes?" -Freddy Krueger -aka my sweetheart of a boyfriend in Florida. Should I worry he will read this and come raid my shoe closet and then make more judgement calls? Perhaps. But, I think he'd be pleased with my collection these days...so I will keep writing. Here's the deal, comrades. MacGyver (minus the ability to dominate the world) and I were going to eat one night at Logans (sigh, I still love it) in Tallahassee. Mind you, I had been out of treatment for about a month when I met him (I was his dad's secretary...hot, I know) and was just starting to be somewhat okay with my mamooth weight gain and therefore new wardrobe. This dude had no idea what I'd been through the previous 4 monthes, so I let a few comments about my "boney arms but little belly pooch" slide (well, I didn't retaliate when he said them, that is) because he obviously wasn't educated on the refeeding process (wait, not everyone's lives revolve around food, weight, and body image?! it was news to me). Phew, back to walking into Logans. Ole Mac looks down at my shoes, and in complete disbelief makes the above statement about my shoes. I've always been the mouse when it comes to cat and mouse games/comments. I've been called a "door mat" more times than I care to recall. I loved these shoes. I might have worn them almost everyday. Uh, SO!? At least I was wearing shoes is what I wanted to say to him. After a short intervention with me on my "style", I couldn't decide if tears were appropriate, so I think I just nervously laughed the entire dinner and felt like a real drab(you know, the one I paid for). I really hope I still wore these shoes, but I have a fo real feeling that I donated them (in hopes I might find them again one day). Sidetracked, ok! here we go.

Pops and Beth told me to sit down one evening after I had gotten back from Mac's house because they wanted to "chat". Oh snap, they've discovered my diet cokes (my biggest concern). "Cortney, we are concerned about you and ****'s relationship. We feel like you are making a bad decision and should rethink yourself. Wow, put on the brakes...these two were concerned I was in an "unhealthy relationship"!? Hello, those were oooobviously my favorite (rewind through my past, there is a pleathera of them). After several more months of less than ideal behaviors from this dude, I freaked out and ran-because unfortunately (fortunately in this example) I am a runner. escaper. scardy cat. get-up-and go'er. 

 I was thrilled when I found out he was on some internet tv show "Greek"?! and modeling in California....um actually, I wasn't. I wanted to contact him and get money for everything I had paid for, which would include everything. Isn't it something how I let some boy tell me my shoes and "hippie" clothing style weren't acceptable!? Well boys and girls, I sure did. I still am worried about wearing the same shoes around boys, but I think that's only helped my shoe collection out.

I just love that story. When I wear something i've found for a quarter at a vintage flea market, or wherever....I feel empowered. Like Julia Roberts in her fancy dress at the end of Pretty Woman. Tell me I look terrible and unacceptable! DO IT!

Now, since I've brought up attire... I have another funny little tale. The other night I was talking (texting-who talks anymore!?) to one of my friends (who thankfully has never told me my outfits sucked) and I was in the best mood. I told him I wanted to be an ice skater, and would love for him to be my boy partner so we could both enter the olympics as pro ice skaters. . and then join disney on ice. I think it's a full proof plan. Unfortunately, he is hesitant about wearing the polyester and rhinestone outfits....sigh. I will have to brain wash him..or find a new Aladdin (I want to be Jasmine soooo I need Aladdin). So, if y'all know anyone interested in joining the olympics...let me know.

Off to the park...hope the ducks behave.

"Alone also means available for someone outstanding."

I've grown 2 inches since I graduated high school. My hair has been different colors, my eyes...always brown, and left rib is still bent forward. I still eat lima beans with ketchup. My love for dogs has only grown, but I still think more of them than I do most humans. Stepping out of the shower without a rug or towel under my feet makes me extremely disgusted. SICK. After several spider bites, I'm still not frightened by them. I cry during Homeward Bound e v e r y single time.

I am soon to be 25 years young. . .and I am as single as I have ever been. I don't hate this status, either. I am in Occupational Therapy school with 47 people; of the ones above 21...guess how many are single (unmarried or not in some kind of relationship fiasco)? *1* ME! Because of this, many sweet friends are always trying to set me up.

Point 1. I am horrified of dating, please don't get in my 3ft personal space. This will cause me to start sweating and eventually pass out 2. If you lie to me about your occupation, I will find out...what's wrong with people?! 3. Don't make assumptions about my singledom and then recite them to me on a 1st date. That's rude, and you are probably wrong. 4. Under NO circumstances is it okay to bring your family along when first meeting me. Not only is that creeptastic, it makes me feel like you are still "failing to launch". And bros, unless you are Matthew Mcconaughey, please...launch already. and 5. Seriously, don't tell me about your ex girlfriend when we first meet. I'm sure she was beautiful, smart, and had a wealthy family. Unfortunately, it's not only outside of my interests, it's--you guessed--RUDE!

My dad thinks that I need to "focus on school and ignore any requests to even be friends with 'boys'. . . 'because he really can't deal with me crying on behalf of some kid who doesn't want to be nice to me  (ha)." My papaw (love of my life) says, "Cort, I used to be a boy...stay away from every last one of them. Until they are 65."

Have y'all read "He's Just Not Into You"?! I was very hesitant to read a book about why some bros don't like me...but I did it. It was great. Here's one of my favorite quotes...

"If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fking phone call."

Ladies and gentlemen. I am not a "man hater", some of my best friends are in fact...from the male species. Here's my concern. When I was looking up "the psychcology of relationships" one time (forgive me for being one of those people), there were multiple ads for mental health therapists near you. Wait a minute. WHY would I want to get invested in one of these "relationships" if I am going to need a shrink after (or during). I do believe I have plenty of other reasons I could pay someone to listen to me complain. . I am not trying to add a crook to my life to only make it MORE complicated. I want to throw up all over myself and whoever is next to me when I see Facebook drama concerning a "relationship" that is on the rocks...and 24+ yr olds publishing the dirty details. GET over it. or here's an even better idea...communicate with the dude/chick...no one on facebook is probably liscensed to make it allll better. :)

I am so happy for my friends that are married or with a marvelous guy/gal. Truly am. But. For those of you that are terrible at relationships (hey, not calling you a dud..)or are unable to treat people like they are worth more than a mcchicken (only a $1 now!)....please do something about it. Read a book on happiness. Go for a walk and take pictures of all the dogs out with their human. For Heaven's sake, figure it out.....I'm somewhat exhausted from hearing about all the ridiculous things that people keep doing to each other.

Sidenote: I'm 100% certain I am not perfect and am full of relationship flaws. But, I'm writing this blog  so I kind of get to do/say what I want. :)

"You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk sh*t some more then he can go f*ck himself cause those charges were dropped." -Kenny Powers :)

Semitemos uoy evah ot egnahc eht yaw uoy kool ta sgniht

Caution: what you are about to read is personal, real, and not alllll fun and laughter. I have many enjoyable tales to be told, but this is a bit different. So, I bid y'all adieu!

Hi! I go by Cortney, and I'm in a big believer in holding on to things/people/mistakes (ehh mmm, "lessons learned") that are nothing less than dreadful. Fortunately, I am not alone in this roller coaster of a fiasco and I know there are big golden sun rays once I decide to...let go. 

Eight years ago I was living in Arizona and was forced to go to a ropes course to "look at my fears for what they were"...if you know me at all, you know that I was very annoyed at this silly activity and was talking under my breath about what a dumb idea this was.  I have always more afraid of the grease falling of my pizza than my body falling 100 ft off of some rope course. When it was my turn to "release the people and events from my past that kept me stuck from a better life"...I told the rope dude (some psychology guru i'm sure) to JUST let me go!! If I only then knew the power behind those 4 letters...."Just!? Cortney, if you would JUST stop running all the time, or JUST eat, or JUST forget about the people who hurt you...well, you wouldn't be here! JUST isn't fair to put in front of everything you and every other person  in this world has fought for. Now tell me, let you go from what?"

Okay, okay back up a minute. Let me remind you, I am not typical. My life belongs to that of a cat...blessing after blessing, I am still here. It's possible that I am just (oops!) as hard-headed as those bros chillin' on Mt. Rushmore. I am a yes or no girl. Black and white, this or that, now or never. 

Back to it, folks. "Let me go from what!?" This psych-rope-in-my-face dude was really starting to get on my last nerve. Fortunately for me (or so I thought..eh), since I was a young tator tot, I've been able to manipulate (ouch, that word isn't very nice) anyone into believing my lies about this
*oooshy goooshy what's wrong bla blaa nonsense mess*. Well, after forever minus infinity, I mumbled something about wanting to be able to *just get away from everyone that knew about ..me... and then I would be free from their judgments and could be -happy and healthy- again. haha, silly me! After this was rebuked, I just got mad. I refused to believed I was actually holding more judgement against myself than the rest of the people in my life combined...so, I did what I hadn't done in months. I cried. I screamed. I wanted my dog-Lucy (haha, yep!) and I wanted all of these jokesters (you know, the people that ultimately had my best interest in mind and only wanted my heart to beat for 80+ more years) to back on up. Well, guess what. They went no where. Which was completely bogus because when had anyone ever stayed around when things got hard?! I was determined to get rid of all of these nut cases (the psychos and my friends) and just lie my way through this mind game jungle I had been planted in. You know what?! I worked. I left in 4 months and was determined to go back to ...me.

I was furious at everyone involved in putting me through that hell and as soon as I got back to Arkansas, I removed myself completley from every last one of them (once again, the people who actually gave a damn). After several more years of torturing myself for the guilt I felt towards for myself for torturing myself (tell me about it), I was 19 years old, my heart rate wasn't about 24 BPM, and I was exhausted. My best friend and I hadn't been in contact for a couple years because of what I was doing to myself, I had woken up to phone calls from friends telling me that other friends had passed away because their bodies had had enough, I had been blamed by family member's therapist that my "bull shit" was to blame for THEIR behaviors/illnesses, and my parents decided enough was enough and got divorced. I was supposed to be enjoying my first year of real college (U of A) outside of UAFS, but I was sleeping all day, missing class, drinking 60+ounces of diet coke a day to have energy to try and run, and avoiding any form of reality. Enough is enough...was the theme of that year. One of my very best friends finally got in my face and told me I looked like hell and had to get help. After those months in Arizona, I had always refused any of this "help" people spoke of. Until one rainy morning, Oct 19 (day before my 20th birthday), when i went to the HPER to run and I just couldn't do it. People were staring at me (which i attributed to my unfortunate face, body, what-have-you) and I just couldn't take it. I decided I would run in the rain outside and avoid these stares. I walked outside and passed by a girl I knew from church and just turned my head so I could avoid her "concerns" about my "condition" (I also had just found out I had mono, so I just told everyone that was what was wrong). I ran and ran and ran and after 4 miles (steel memory) I just sat down and cried. I knew I wasn't okay. I thought about all the people over the past 10+ years who had voiced concern for my behaviors, etc and I was just horrible to. I had lied since I was 5 years old to keep myself "safe" from people who cared about me. Irony is something, eh? They say you never know how good you have it until it's (whatever that is) is gone. Well, that minute I knew I was indeed ready to finally "forgive" myself for being a hell-raiser to my own body and to finally let someone deal with me.....and maybe even let them help.

 I moved to Florida two days later and spent a year learning what forgiveness was....and you know, I've spent the last week reading all my literature from Florida trying to remember how this "forgiveness" of self and others REALLY works. After several months of ...you guessed it...lying and pretending to be "okay" while in Florida, I had one of those  "ah ha! moments--that was way too much to write about on this sweet little blog-- that lead me to the realization that I (nor any of you!) will never be *okay until I am honest with myself and stop hiding from WHO I am. The lady I was working with had me write a story from age 5 to now....explaining why, who, and what I am. I've shared that with only the people closest to me (5 of you) and it really has made a difference in being okay and not embarrassed of who I am. I talked to one of these ladies that I worked with just the other day...and she told me to start a blog and tell people about me...and maybe....just like I've been so blessed by people...in telling parts of my story.. I can help someone else. I've had so much on my mind lately concerning where I've been and what I've done to try and get stronger. I decided that I would make this first blog entry about the one thing that holds me back day after day...forgiveness--of myself and others. All of my posts won't be this in-depth, but some might be! Now I believe-with all of my heart-...that e v e r y single thing we experience as human beings happens to us so we can help someone else out who goes through it after us.

  "Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened. It doesn’t even mean the other person will change his behavior — you cannot control that. All it means is that you are letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place."

Now, on to taking picture of my dogs in their bikinis! :) Have a MARVELOUS day! Thanks for reading!