"*Even through a storm....a flower can bloom*"

Question: What is the only tool that works even when its broken? Answer: The heart.

My favorite words -that, ironically, I despise hearing from people who are c-l-u-eless on what they actually mean to the human heart- seem to all start with H: Healthy. Happy. Hopeful. Hurt. Help.  What gives, you silly 8th letter of the alphabet?! I am clearly in the dark how it's possible that one letter can begin so many misunderstood words. Poor H.

What do you do when you lay your heart out on a platter and then realize it's been recklessly thrown around and not cared for? First things first: Help yourself. Be hopeful.Love yourself, even when others have allowed you to feel un-lovable--discover what hopefulness can do for your broken pieces. Bring happiness to someone else...even if they've hurt you. See what I mean?! Those H's.....bittersweet.

I really enjoy diagramming sentences. Balancing chemical equations (beginner level, please). Making menus. To-do lists. Creating stories in my head and never writing them down. Reflection: I have never stopped organizing and planning...ever. It's who I am, what I do, and how I get through hard times. I THINK. way. way. way. too much (or just enough, oh my, I am not certain!) Let me portion it out for you: I have a story created of what I think my life is supposed to be. I already have all the main characters (people..i mean), career, home, holiday plans, written (mentally) and ready to go. Problem: my organization of future has failed me miserably. It keeps holding me back. I won't allow myself to let go of what I've wanted for so long. The most illogical part of the story is...I am the character standing in the way of freedom....and can't seem to see all of the signs (i figure they have to be written in braille because I can't figure them out) that tell me to TURN AROUND! STOP! NO TRESPASSING! Seriously, all I want to do is fit in my own storybook....s o m e t h i n g -someone, me!?- has got to give.

I love who I am. I love the ridiculous things I say, that make sense to no one but me. I love my belly button (it even has a beauty mark on it!ha). I love that I laugh relentlessly and loudly. I love that when I see a dog, my heart instantly loves. 

okay, positive comments: check.

Public service announcement: It is not okay, acceptable, decent, or excusable to hurt other human hearts....and continue to do it when you KNOW you're *Hurting them. We all make mistakes, say inappropriate things, talk negatively, and jump to conclusions. But here's the deal. Words hurt...so so much. Playing games with people's hearts might very well be the most painful experience us humans can endure. Be kind. Don't knowingly cause others to suffer. Instead....give others a chance to be....

*hopeful in a *happy and *healthy .....future.

"Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
~ Colossians 3:12-13 ~

Until we meet again....

Cortney  

Wisdom gained in my 1st ....quarter of a century.

Ten years ago, I was getting my braces off, dancing with the Charmers, and trying so hard to convince my parents that if I didn't get a cell phone, I might die. I didn't get that cell phone until the next birthday...but I managed to survive. 

I've always wanted to be older than my birth certificate states that I am. . .I don't get it either. My brother is 2 years older than me and I always wanted to hang out with him, so maybe that's part of the deal. I met a boy that I was really into when I was 21..he was 25..and so I was going to lie and tell him I was 22...but then decided to just say "I am almost 22" (this was in March...7 months before I was 22). I think the only reason he stayed around to hang out was because I had made him birthday cookies. . . and he probably was embarrassed for me and my attempt to add a year to my age just to impress him. I am prettttty sly....

I have been really irritated with the idea of turning 25. I am not at all where I had planned I would be when I was 25....actually, I am in an entirely different world with zero direction to tell me where I'll be..even tomorrow. When I turned 23 I had my life completely planned out. I was happy (kind of). I was in a serious relationship with my best friend. I was about to get a new puppy-Sofie...and I was planning on training her as my therapy dog. I was out of college with no definite plan of going back. I had made new friends in the new city I was living in, and finally felt like I was fitting in there. But, as life sometimes works, all of that came to a somewhat abrupt end....and for the past 2 years I have been...well.....up, down, up, down, way up, way down, back around...and then sometimes just not sure where I am. Not to mention, got caught in an 8 month trap of insanity with one of those nightmare boyfriends that star in horror movies. Thank the good Lord above I woke up from that disaster :)

In order to stay positive on this 25th year, I decided to come up with a list of 25 pearls of wisdom that I have and am still learning. . . .  (in no particular order)


1. Never listen to someone who tells you that you are being "unrealistic" (unless you are trying to teach your pet flamingo to build an igloo). Do what you want, and let them stand in the dust if they don't support you.
2. My dogs seriously have made my heart 10x bigger because of how much love they have in their baby hearts.
3. Arguing with someone who is a much more talented arguer will get you no where. So...just let them talk.
4. If you don't care about yourself, no one else will either.
5. Taco bell is only good when eaten with your best friend, really late at night, after you are able to recognize the chemicals you are putting into your belly.
6. Pearls look amazing on dachshunds.
7. The moments in which I thought there was NO way I was going to make it... DID/will make me stronger. 
8. It never gets old to tell someone you are proud of them.
9. Believe you are worth it. Every. Single. Day.
10. Listen to your heart....but don't forget to check in with your brain, too.
11. Be spontanious....do something you've wanted to do...but everyone said you couldn't (move to NYC for the summer! :) )
12. Don't forget to sleep in your retainers every night!!
13. You deserve to be treated like a human being with feelings. Don't let anyone take that right away.
14. Cry. Feel. and work through difficulties. Covering them up and hiding from them will only give them time to strengthen.
15. Thank God you are you....by being yourself :)
16. Eat carbs. Your body needs them.
17. Be open minded...and if you don't understand something someone does....let them deal with it..and then be there if they need you.
18. Everyone you love deserves and should know...just that.
19. Icees cure almost anything.
20. Life goes on....even when I don't think it will.
21. Ketchup is the best condiment ever created.
22. Slow country music makes my heart sad, and I want to cry. So. Listen to sparingly! :)
23. Try new things in moderation (haha, kidding....!?)
24. Just because someone can't love you the way you wish they could...doesn't mean you aren't good enough to be loved by someone else.
25. My/your biggest regret can never be taken back. It's done. It's over. Gotta keep my/your head up, allow myself/yourself to be forgiven, and take the time to love myself/yourself.

 CHEERS to another year :)


-Cortney

...but if God does not give you what you are asking for then He will give you something better.

Blue Bell's Birthday Cake ice cream. When I was in my senior year of high school, my mom would buy three half gallons of this at a time. It was dinner many nights...gotta get those calories somehow...why not eat something that provides all the essential nutrients?! (sugar, milk, and chocolate). This stuff only comes out once a year these days, and my heart glows every time I get to reach in the freezer and joyfully reach for the brown rimmed, half gallon container of pure bliss. I remember my nutritionist at Children's hospital was ecstatic when she would see this stuff in my food journals. You'd have thought I had found Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket from the glee she got from looking at my blue bell dinner entries. So, I still give this tantalizing punch of dairy greatness kudos in my journey to overcoming obstacles, stepping out on a scary limb, taking a deep breath, and dominating fears....all that from ice cream? um, absolutely.

" You have to press against the pressure that's pressing against you."-Joyce Meyer

When I'm upset at myself, someone else, or a situation, I find myself automatically saying, "and so is life"...I have not a clue where I got this from, but it helps. I get so overwhelmed with people and how I allow myself to respond to hurtful things they do. Lately, I find peace in writing about it-I cannot wait to use all of my stories and perceptions to write a book...read: you better hope you aren't a cotton-headed ninny, bc i will use your real name ;) - I am a sensitive girl. I've even been labeled a "door mat" before. . .and, damn it, that just sounds terrible and feels even worse. I get it, it's not "healthy" to forgive without learning the lesson, jump from person to person begging for acceptance..when really, if we'd accept ourselves, we wouldn't break so easily, or make ourselves miserable because we have made foolish decisions. Hark! No one other human being is capable of mending our hearts....even if they are responsible for the broken pieces. WAIT! what!? I don't think this is fair and I find myself battling against the realities of it often. File under: running into brick walls one after the other, after the other, after forgetting that I am not superman. 

I fight SO hard to get what I want. (want never seems to equal need these past few years...WHY!?) I am not a compromiseR. I like to think I have written out my life's story and I should choose how it flows. Unfortunately (well, for my human brain), I am so trapped in the wrong life story...and keep throwing punches because I am not getting what I want, when I want it, with who I want it. "Let gooooo" is my family's favorite line to recite to me. My favorite response: "I'm FINE...and so why would I let go?!" haha. Silly me.

"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong." -Thomas Carlyle

I've decided the people of my past that continue to take big o bites of my heart (rude.) are all having identity crisis-es simultaneously...which is really NOT thoughtful of them. I've played around with the images of them as junk yard dogs, dinosaurs with spiked collars, or even big, bad wolves without a little red riding hood. Whatever it is, I am trying so hard to forgive them. To accept what is done is done...but you know...it's terribly difficult. I remind myself that I hope people that I have wronged in my life pray for me, forgive me, and hope the best for my future. . . so I need to do the same. Code words: faith, hope, perserverance.

 Blessings in and out of disguise

1. Freedom, safety, individuality..AMERICA. 9/11/01*

2. Terrible singing voice (for karaoke success)

 3. Rocky path...gotta lead somewhere better :)

4. Dysfunctional relationships that are unrepairable. See ya later you big, mean triceratops.

5.  ice cubes.

Goodnight 

:) 

 

Remember those "favorite" surveys? Well, here you go!

I Am a complete mess of a dreamer..
I Want to get an electronic eraser after the last year of my life (not all of it!)
I Have a hyper active nervous system
I Wish I had a fountain coke machine in my house
I Hate raisins, lies, and wine
I Fear i'll never see people I miss
I Hear that Anderson Cooper really likes me, too
I Search online food blogs for recipes
I Wonder what the inside of our bodies do to allow you to physically feel blaaa when you are sad/mad/happy. haha
I Regret setting my own expectations for people
I Love when my grandpa calls me honey
I Ache and need a massage. donations?!
I Always tell my dogs i love them and kiss them everytime I see their faces (pictures, too) ;)
I Usually have a diet coke in my hand
I Am Not a cat person
I Dance because i like the way things look when i am moving
I Sing the words that mean the most to me the loudest
I Never buy name brand anything.
I Rarely believe words people say
I Cry because my puppies like to lick tears off my face!haha
I Am Not Always  dreaming about working with Kelly Ripa or Anderson Cooper....just most of the time
I Lose focus and worry about tomorrow instead of enjoying today...sigh
I'm Confused and wonder why anyway would ever think they are right and I am wrong? HA
I Need a giant woolly mammoth to love
I Should be hypnotized and then go swimming in ice cream and float on a giant sprinkle
I Dream of the day i will have my therapy dog ranch...woooo

Dear heart, it is time for your restoration.

Vacation!:)

My friend Amanda and I have been at my grandparent's condo all week, enjoying the sunshine and pretty water. The trip started out roughly because of a three day melt down my mind decided to have (on vacation?! what a rip off!). Long story short, I have had to come to terms with taking steps backwards in order to eventually make steps forward. Remember when I mentioned I was BRICK head!? Yea, it has taken its toll and I am finally to the point I had to get to in order to realize how unmanageable my life has become. I am bitter. Mad. Upset. Broken-hearted. but. I am slowly but surely becoming hopeful in who I am, who I will be, and how I am going to get there (bumper boats, roller coasters, and walking on tight ropes have NOT been healthy transporters for me). Looks like a slooooooow walk with lots of places/people/lessons to encounter and learn from....sigh.

"By perseverance the snail reached the ark." -Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I am reading "Never Give Up!" by Joyce Meyers. I am certain the friends I have made on the beach wonder why I am reading a book with chapters titled, "Never give up on yourself" or "Your own worst enemy", but they would be thrilled I was reading this if they knew ME. It's nice to read something that leads me to believe perhaps I am not the complete disaster zone I believe I am. Ole Joyce and I have a similiar past with abuse and she writes on how to conquer the behaviors, fears, and self-destructive thoughts that a past like this often creates. I realize a book won't cure my UNmanageability, but...it's a start for me to admit I NEED to address myself."If God removed all fear, we would never grow and overcome obstacles." -J.M  

.....

I am starting from scratch. Counting on hope in everything. Loving my blessings. Asking for forgiveness. Allowing myself to get help for things I can no longer battle alone. Moving on from people who don't understand or care about me (possibly hardest thing for me to get through...but most valuable). and pulling myself together...again. 

Love someone. Tell them they matter. Be blessed and give blessings. Never be afraid to fall to pieces when the pieces don't fit together. You never know when the "missing" pieces are waiting to take place of those broken pieces and make your life what it was meant to be....whole.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. " -Harriet Beecher Stowe

Love:)   

"Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

  I love this so much.

I watched the movie, Garden State, for the first time this past week. Wildly in love with Natalie Portman's character, Sam. . .

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

Isn't it something how the decisions we make every moment lead us to...more decisions and even more frightening...consequences. That word should have fire balls blasting out of it anytime it is written (because I feel that might get the point accross better for brick-heads like myself).

Perhaps the places we allow our minds to go aren't always real destinations. Maybe... fear is something that perches itself on our brain stem and just waits to attack when we are weak and scared. I've decided Fear has not only latched his sharp claws into every lobe of my brain, but dives into my blood stream, often, to take a vacay to my heart (round trip fare). I desected a human heart in Gross Anatomy last year, and let me tell you, that is one complicated organ. Once you let someone (Fear, or a non-mythical creature) into that 4 chambered mastermind, they aren't leaving anytime soon. Fear especially, because he seems to come in the heart on the human's side cart. . . at least good ole Fear is a reliable pest, eh?!

FEAR: /fi(ə)r/ : An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

Explanation: I go months without allowing myself to believe Mr. Fear is really on all eight (i'd like to him as a poisonous insect) legs ready to put up a hefty  fight. I might have perfected the "nervous laugh". I don't believe in sharing feelings because I feel like my friends are going to decide to charge me for their time (note:my friends are fabulous) and energy (remember: it takes many, many times for me to accept advice an even longer for me to act on it). I am not stupid, I seem to just forget to take care of myself in order to prosper and therefore acquire more canine friends. :) I was in a relationship once where my BF knew when it was about time for another one of my crys...every 2 months I think it was. "Cortney, are you going to get emotional again now or what' your problem?" haha, poor guy had no idea how to handle feelings... especially his regarding mine.  I think honesty is important, I just would rather not be honest with myelf on behalf of my thoughts/feelings/behaviors. It's complicated and I would much rather be free from proactive lifestyle (Or so it would seem). It's easier to live in the past and ponder why things don't end up how you had so badly hoped, than to conquer your fears and learn lessons so they aren't continuallyx130,394,482 repeated.

Reality: Staying mad at yourself BC someone else (you know, the person you are constantly upset about but doesn't know you exist) is not living up the expecations you have created for them is a terribly dangerous journey. Stop it. Let go of the fear that it is YOU that sucks and isn't deserving of another person. Worthiness is a birthright, take it or leave it.

What next: Cheesy, yes. But i love it. When I was in the hospital in Florida, a therapist person told me to find a picture of myself when I was a little girl....when I was as unaware of the harsh realities of being hurt by people...even the ones I loved the most. She told me to look at this picture whenever I am upset, or hurt by these same realities of being let down by the expecations I set for others. When i am going down the road of creating painful thought and all I want to do is tell myself how unworthy or terrible I am....I think about this little girl. She's still in there, but I (you) have to take care of her in order for her to prosper, live a happy life, and help others find joy.

"Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults."

I buy honey entirely for the cute plastic bear minus his shoes.

The smell and taste of honey make me so sad for this little bear cub. He has to sit there, all cute like, and just be submerged in sticky honey. I really think they should change the shape to a wildabeast; I'm sure they'd love a good guzzle or two of ...honey. Winnie probably only likes the stuff because no is offering him anything better. Like, a good bowl of Heinz ketchup.

When I lived in Florida (4 years ago), I was fortunate enough to meet some people who have helped shape me into who I am--and hopefully who I will become. I lived with a couple (Beth and Glenn-Pops) who didn't even know me, but knew I was in a difficult situation and needed help with a place to live due to not being able to come home for a while. These folks are still in my life and I think of them often (especially when I am sitting around boo-hooing about some boy that hurt my fellings). Pops told me many, many times that my "picker" was so broken it might takes years to get it fixed :). I tell you about these jolly-good people first because I'm really trying to be proactive these days,and starting out my story with the next fool...would be a real kick in the head.

"Cortney, you have to stop wearing those awful shoes. Don't you know that people automatically judge you based on your shoes?" -Freddy Krueger -aka my sweetheart of a boyfriend in Florida. Should I worry he will read this and come raid my shoe closet and then make more judgement calls? Perhaps. But, I think he'd be pleased with my collection these days...so I will keep writing. Here's the deal, comrades. MacGyver (minus the ability to dominate the world) and I were going to eat one night at Logans (sigh, I still love it) in Tallahassee. Mind you, I had been out of treatment for about a month when I met him (I was his dad's secretary...hot, I know) and was just starting to be somewhat okay with my mamooth weight gain and therefore new wardrobe. This dude had no idea what I'd been through the previous 4 monthes, so I let a few comments about my "boney arms but little belly pooch" slide (well, I didn't retaliate when he said them, that is) because he obviously wasn't educated on the refeeding process (wait, not everyone's lives revolve around food, weight, and body image?! it was news to me). Phew, back to walking into Logans. Ole Mac looks down at my shoes, and in complete disbelief makes the above statement about my shoes. I've always been the mouse when it comes to cat and mouse games/comments. I've been called a "door mat" more times than I care to recall. I loved these shoes. I might have worn them almost everyday. Uh, SO!? At least I was wearing shoes is what I wanted to say to him. After a short intervention with me on my "style", I couldn't decide if tears were appropriate, so I think I just nervously laughed the entire dinner and felt like a real drab(you know, the one I paid for). I really hope I still wore these shoes, but I have a fo real feeling that I donated them (in hopes I might find them again one day). Sidetracked, ok! here we go.

Pops and Beth told me to sit down one evening after I had gotten back from Mac's house because they wanted to "chat". Oh snap, they've discovered my diet cokes (my biggest concern). "Cortney, we are concerned about you and ****'s relationship. We feel like you are making a bad decision and should rethink yourself. Wow, put on the brakes...these two were concerned I was in an "unhealthy relationship"!? Hello, those were oooobviously my favorite (rewind through my past, there is a pleathera of them). After several more months of less than ideal behaviors from this dude, I freaked out and ran-because unfortunately (fortunately in this example) I am a runner. escaper. scardy cat. get-up-and go'er. 

 I was thrilled when I found out he was on some internet tv show "Greek"?! and modeling in California....um actually, I wasn't. I wanted to contact him and get money for everything I had paid for, which would include everything. Isn't it something how I let some boy tell me my shoes and "hippie" clothing style weren't acceptable!? Well boys and girls, I sure did. I still am worried about wearing the same shoes around boys, but I think that's only helped my shoe collection out.

I just love that story. When I wear something i've found for a quarter at a vintage flea market, or wherever....I feel empowered. Like Julia Roberts in her fancy dress at the end of Pretty Woman. Tell me I look terrible and unacceptable! DO IT!

Now, since I've brought up attire... I have another funny little tale. The other night I was talking (texting-who talks anymore!?) to one of my friends (who thankfully has never told me my outfits sucked) and I was in the best mood. I told him I wanted to be an ice skater, and would love for him to be my boy partner so we could both enter the olympics as pro ice skaters. . and then join disney on ice. I think it's a full proof plan. Unfortunately, he is hesitant about wearing the polyester and rhinestone outfits....sigh. I will have to brain wash him..or find a new Aladdin (I want to be Jasmine soooo I need Aladdin). So, if y'all know anyone interested in joining the olympics...let me know.

Off to the park...hope the ducks behave.

"Alone also means available for someone outstanding."

I've grown 2 inches since I graduated high school. My hair has been different colors, my eyes...always brown, and left rib is still bent forward. I still eat lima beans with ketchup. My love for dogs has only grown, but I still think more of them than I do most humans. Stepping out of the shower without a rug or towel under my feet makes me extremely disgusted. SICK. After several spider bites, I'm still not frightened by them. I cry during Homeward Bound e v e r y single time.

I am soon to be 25 years young. . .and I am as single as I have ever been. I don't hate this status, either. I am in Occupational Therapy school with 47 people; of the ones above 21...guess how many are single (unmarried or not in some kind of relationship fiasco)? *1* ME! Because of this, many sweet friends are always trying to set me up.

Point 1. I am horrified of dating, please don't get in my 3ft personal space. This will cause me to start sweating and eventually pass out 2. If you lie to me about your occupation, I will find out...what's wrong with people?! 3. Don't make assumptions about my singledom and then recite them to me on a 1st date. That's rude, and you are probably wrong. 4. Under NO circumstances is it okay to bring your family along when first meeting me. Not only is that creeptastic, it makes me feel like you are still "failing to launch". And bros, unless you are Matthew Mcconaughey, please...launch already. and 5. Seriously, don't tell me about your ex girlfriend when we first meet. I'm sure she was beautiful, smart, and had a wealthy family. Unfortunately, it's not only outside of my interests, it's--you guessed--RUDE!

My dad thinks that I need to "focus on school and ignore any requests to even be friends with 'boys'. . . 'because he really can't deal with me crying on behalf of some kid who doesn't want to be nice to me  (ha)." My papaw (love of my life) says, "Cort, I used to be a boy...stay away from every last one of them. Until they are 65."

Have y'all read "He's Just Not Into You"?! I was very hesitant to read a book about why some bros don't like me...but I did it. It was great. Here's one of my favorite quotes...

"If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fking phone call."

Ladies and gentlemen. I am not a "man hater", some of my best friends are in fact...from the male species. Here's my concern. When I was looking up "the psychcology of relationships" one time (forgive me for being one of those people), there were multiple ads for mental health therapists near you. Wait a minute. WHY would I want to get invested in one of these "relationships" if I am going to need a shrink after (or during). I do believe I have plenty of other reasons I could pay someone to listen to me complain. . I am not trying to add a crook to my life to only make it MORE complicated. I want to throw up all over myself and whoever is next to me when I see Facebook drama concerning a "relationship" that is on the rocks...and 24+ yr olds publishing the dirty details. GET over it. or here's an even better idea...communicate with the dude/chick...no one on facebook is probably liscensed to make it allll better. :)

I am so happy for my friends that are married or with a marvelous guy/gal. Truly am. But. For those of you that are terrible at relationships (hey, not calling you a dud..)or are unable to treat people like they are worth more than a mcchicken (only a $1 now!)....please do something about it. Read a book on happiness. Go for a walk and take pictures of all the dogs out with their human. For Heaven's sake, figure it out.....I'm somewhat exhausted from hearing about all the ridiculous things that people keep doing to each other.

Sidenote: I'm 100% certain I am not perfect and am full of relationship flaws. But, I'm writing this blog  so I kind of get to do/say what I want. :)

"You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk sh*t some more then he can go f*ck himself cause those charges were dropped." -Kenny Powers :)

Semitemos uoy evah ot egnahc eht yaw uoy kool ta sgniht

Caution: what you are about to read is personal, real, and not alllll fun and laughter. I have many enjoyable tales to be told, but this is a bit different. So, I bid y'all adieu!

Hi! I go by Cortney, and I'm in a big believer in holding on to things/people/mistakes (ehh mmm, "lessons learned") that are nothing less than dreadful. Fortunately, I am not alone in this roller coaster of a fiasco and I know there are big golden sun rays once I decide to...let go. 

Eight years ago I was living in Arizona and was forced to go to a ropes course to "look at my fears for what they were"...if you know me at all, you know that I was very annoyed at this silly activity and was talking under my breath about what a dumb idea this was.  I have always more afraid of the grease falling of my pizza than my body falling 100 ft off of some rope course. When it was my turn to "release the people and events from my past that kept me stuck from a better life"...I told the rope dude (some psychology guru i'm sure) to JUST let me go!! If I only then knew the power behind those 4 letters...."Just!? Cortney, if you would JUST stop running all the time, or JUST eat, or JUST forget about the people who hurt you...well, you wouldn't be here! JUST isn't fair to put in front of everything you and every other person  in this world has fought for. Now tell me, let you go from what?"

Okay, okay back up a minute. Let me remind you, I am not typical. My life belongs to that of a cat...blessing after blessing, I am still here. It's possible that I am just (oops!) as hard-headed as those bros chillin' on Mt. Rushmore. I am a yes or no girl. Black and white, this or that, now or never. 

Back to it, folks. "Let me go from what!?" This psych-rope-in-my-face dude was really starting to get on my last nerve. Fortunately for me (or so I thought..eh), since I was a young tator tot, I've been able to manipulate (ouch, that word isn't very nice) anyone into believing my lies about this
*oooshy goooshy what's wrong bla blaa nonsense mess*. Well, after forever minus infinity, I mumbled something about wanting to be able to *just get away from everyone that knew about ..me... and then I would be free from their judgments and could be -happy and healthy- again. haha, silly me! After this was rebuked, I just got mad. I refused to believed I was actually holding more judgement against myself than the rest of the people in my life combined...so, I did what I hadn't done in months. I cried. I screamed. I wanted my dog-Lucy (haha, yep!) and I wanted all of these jokesters (you know, the people that ultimately had my best interest in mind and only wanted my heart to beat for 80+ more years) to back on up. Well, guess what. They went no where. Which was completely bogus because when had anyone ever stayed around when things got hard?! I was determined to get rid of all of these nut cases (the psychos and my friends) and just lie my way through this mind game jungle I had been planted in. You know what?! I worked. I left in 4 months and was determined to go back to ...me.

I was furious at everyone involved in putting me through that hell and as soon as I got back to Arkansas, I removed myself completley from every last one of them (once again, the people who actually gave a damn). After several more years of torturing myself for the guilt I felt towards for myself for torturing myself (tell me about it), I was 19 years old, my heart rate wasn't about 24 BPM, and I was exhausted. My best friend and I hadn't been in contact for a couple years because of what I was doing to myself, I had woken up to phone calls from friends telling me that other friends had passed away because their bodies had had enough, I had been blamed by family member's therapist that my "bull shit" was to blame for THEIR behaviors/illnesses, and my parents decided enough was enough and got divorced. I was supposed to be enjoying my first year of real college (U of A) outside of UAFS, but I was sleeping all day, missing class, drinking 60+ounces of diet coke a day to have energy to try and run, and avoiding any form of reality. Enough is enough...was the theme of that year. One of my very best friends finally got in my face and told me I looked like hell and had to get help. After those months in Arizona, I had always refused any of this "help" people spoke of. Until one rainy morning, Oct 19 (day before my 20th birthday), when i went to the HPER to run and I just couldn't do it. People were staring at me (which i attributed to my unfortunate face, body, what-have-you) and I just couldn't take it. I decided I would run in the rain outside and avoid these stares. I walked outside and passed by a girl I knew from church and just turned my head so I could avoid her "concerns" about my "condition" (I also had just found out I had mono, so I just told everyone that was what was wrong). I ran and ran and ran and after 4 miles (steel memory) I just sat down and cried. I knew I wasn't okay. I thought about all the people over the past 10+ years who had voiced concern for my behaviors, etc and I was just horrible to. I had lied since I was 5 years old to keep myself "safe" from people who cared about me. Irony is something, eh? They say you never know how good you have it until it's (whatever that is) is gone. Well, that minute I knew I was indeed ready to finally "forgive" myself for being a hell-raiser to my own body and to finally let someone deal with me.....and maybe even let them help.

 I moved to Florida two days later and spent a year learning what forgiveness was....and you know, I've spent the last week reading all my literature from Florida trying to remember how this "forgiveness" of self and others REALLY works. After several months of ...you guessed it...lying and pretending to be "okay" while in Florida, I had one of those  "ah ha! moments--that was way too much to write about on this sweet little blog-- that lead me to the realization that I (nor any of you!) will never be *okay until I am honest with myself and stop hiding from WHO I am. The lady I was working with had me write a story from age 5 to now....explaining why, who, and what I am. I've shared that with only the people closest to me (5 of you) and it really has made a difference in being okay and not embarrassed of who I am. I talked to one of these ladies that I worked with just the other day...and she told me to start a blog and tell people about me...and maybe....just like I've been so blessed by people...in telling parts of my story.. I can help someone else. I've had so much on my mind lately concerning where I've been and what I've done to try and get stronger. I decided that I would make this first blog entry about the one thing that holds me back day after day...forgiveness--of myself and others. All of my posts won't be this in-depth, but some might be! Now I believe-with all of my heart-...that e v e r y single thing we experience as human beings happens to us so we can help someone else out who goes through it after us.

  "Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened. It doesn’t even mean the other person will change his behavior — you cannot control that. All it means is that you are letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place."

Now, on to taking picture of my dogs in their bikinis! :) Have a MARVELOUS day! Thanks for reading!