I'll keep my hips, thank you.

It's something how we can spend an entire day finding all the things that have gone wrong. all the things we saw that reminded us of the bad times. the people we talk to who bring us down no matter where we were to begin with. the pants that don't fit the way we'd like because our hips don't look the way we wish they did.

A month ago, I was sitting in a recliner on the oncology floor at the hospital getting infusions for the osteoporosis that has started eating my bones away. Sixteen months ago, I had a bone density scan to see if my bones had declined since the last scan I had when I was 20. I've always had this inability to accept that my body doesn't surpass the laws of nature...and that I have to take care of it for it to keep on keepin' on. ---I definitely watched a lot of Macgyver as a little girl, so I'm sure that has something to do with my flawed thinking. --- So, back to the bones. I found out I had osteoporosis at 25 years old. I'm completely smitten over my doctor and so I tried to keep my emotions under control when he read me the numbers that reflected extensive bone loss. however, I was completely unable to do so. I became angry. Tears of anger, fear, and shame all trailed down my face as I looked at this doctor and wanted to scream at him for reading the results incorrectly (misplaced anger is obviously not something I struggle with :) ). He gave me some pills to take once a month (you know, the Sally Fields commercials for our grandmothers) that were supposed to make my bones stronger. Osteoclasts were going to be my best friend. 

I had given those damn pills the power to completely repair my body and take away the pain and worry I had in regards to my bones. I figured, hey, I can exercise more and don't need to eat as much calcium/vit d because i have pills. pills. pills. pills. 

Until I had a bone density a year later and found out my bones had continued to thin and I would have to start getting IV infusions of medicine in a last attempt to save my bones from wearing away and breaking into little pieces when I fall. It was really neat when I found out because there was a student in the room and she was just so awkward and unsure of what to do. Per usual, I made jokes, told Dr. handsome that I thought we should get married (well, maybe not), etc etc because I haven't the slightest how to act in tough situations. 

As I walked into the cancer unit (just happens to be where they do osteoporosis infusions), I lost all realms of emotional control and just about turned around and left. Instead, the nurse was waiting for me and dragged me into the unit like that time my 3rd grade teacher had to drag me from my desk to put my in the corner for talking. My heart was ready to pop out of my chest and the nurse says, "you are so young...you must have a strong genetic link to the disease?" I didn't have to answer because my face was so white that she immediately took my blood pressure and realized I was about to pass out. Thank the Lord. I laid back in a recliner and looked at pictures of my dogs on my phone until I had welcomed myself back to reality. Then the needle poking began. Yikes.

"Have you learned anything from this?"

"Are you going to start eating more meat now?"

"I hope you're happy because you've probably damaged your body permanently."

People are absolutely out of their minds. Completely, gone. It helps when you get to a point that you can realize how unfortunate it is for them. . and then you move forward.

After my infusion, I was sick as that dog next door that keeps howling and begging for morphine. Every bone in my body felt like it was being sawed away and there was nothing I could do about it. I called my friend at 1 AM, crying, asking what their dogs were doing just so I could try and get my mind off the pain. ("sleeping?! no, they have to be doing something cute..go check again.") I told myself over and over and over I would never get that IV treatment again and I would go and run and do whatever I wanted because I was FINE.

haha, per usual, I was wrong :)

When I would attempt to get out of bed and go to the bathroom, I crawled on my hands and knees (and if you weren't aware, I am disgusted by bathroom floors and this was a huge feat-ha) and prayed over and over that I didn't fall and break my hip. I felt like it could happen at any moment. 

Well, it didn't and after 24 hours, I gradually got stronger and was able to carry on with my ADLs (OT shout out). Over the past month, I have tried to reduce my exercise and let my body start healing. For the first time in a long, long time, I was able to walk 5 miles today. HUGE DEAL, HELLO HAPPINESS. I might have a limp in my gait, but it'll get better. The fear of breaking lots of bones is slowly but surely getting less and less...and my ability to celebrate my STRONGER bones is getting more and more. 

When I tried on a pair of jeans and I started bitching to myself about how my hips weren't shaped as I'd like them to be...I imaginarily* punched myself in the throat for being so ungrateful for those hips..my hips. my unbroken, alll together hips. 

(All the pictures were from my 5 mile trot today. Wooo!)


Blessings :)