forgetaboutit is my favorite.

"We do not experience enjoyment, joy, interest, or excitement all of the time, any more than we continuously experience any of the negative affects. Both positive and negative affects are part of humanness, and the positive emotions we experience that create happiness are differently important than the negative ones from which we can learn." -Psychology Today, some day in the last week.

How many times have you found yourself saying, "I would just never do that to someone...I don't understand how they could?!"

I recently threw a pity party for myself...a non-stop, invite your neighbor's sister's pen pal kind of party.

 yea, i said a party. for a noun that can't even jump around and dance or sing karaoke. The noun?

Feelings (that sounds lame, but I am going to leave it). I gave feelings, hurt ones, a party. I even created a theme for the party. "It's you. not them."

 (haha, silly bear)

As of late, I have pushed myself to embrace as much of the positive, happy, happy, joy, joy things going on in my life. Lay in my bed and tell my sweet dachshund angel about the great things I have been given. I like to write them on my mirror. For complaints I make, I think of something good to replace it (when I feel like being proactive, that is). Today, I caught myself telling a friend that my eyes have always looked dreadful. "I hate when someone asks me if I am sick because of my puffy and black under my eyes are!" Then I immediately caught that I had just wasted 25 seconds complaining instead of being grateful...so I hurried and spouted out, "no! wait. I love my eyes! I can see I am so happy I can see!" Thankfully, this friend knows me well and knows I am making an attempt to spend my time uninviting myself to my own pity parties.

You know when someone tells you something that you can't remove from your memory? It just digs away at you. Everything finds a way to remind you of their belief regarding you? 

I don't know you like I know me. You don't know me like you know you. 

Another theme of party I throw for myself is that of "if you only knew".

My feelings get so involved with placing themselves places they do not belong. Like, wondering why someone would say something to me that they knew would ultimately cause me to feel lousy. 

Options:

Said people are...

1. Aphasic. 

2. Without animal/pet so they are miserable.

3. Human beings.

I make "whywouldthey" stew and let it sit for days in my mind. (I am craving soup, notice?) 

 "Whoever said revenge is sweet never tasted the yumminess of fortgetaboutit."

Dog name tags

pie crust 

shampoo and condition isles

piano players

peaches in a can

Instead of wondering why people do what they do....and never fully understanding.... I think I'll attempt to tend to one of the 902 happy things running through my mind (most of which center around dogs and possibly ice cream).

I'll try and remember that just because things don't happen as and when I want them to, doesn't mean I am doomed and deserve parties with senseless themes. (unless the theme just so happens to be prehistoric animals and or world maps).

Probably I should remind myself of what Ramona Quimby's dad taught me in one of her books...

"Fool you once, shame on him/her. Fool you twice, shame on you."  (oh how i loved those books)

Trust yourself and do what you love...unless you love to eat raisins because they are gross and I wish they would quit making them. 

:)

Oh, the random list of items below the picture of Alice are just a few things I am so so happy I have. #ADDhiiiyaaa!

I told myself, says I....that me love you, life.

I sat next to a man today as he took his last breaths. . horribly scary breaths.

 I never got to ask him what his favorite color was. I always ask people I am interested in what their favorite color is.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." -Maya Angelou

He had on blue. I wonder if that was his favorite color. Or was it what his wife picked out for him to wear.

One thing after another. And then something else, but wait, there's more. And then something else. It's always something.

Always, we always have time to battle the worries that take up space in all four lobes of our brains.
"my legs look disgustingly huge" = I am not ever going to feel safe inside my own body
"I will  never be as pretty as her" = I am not compatible with beauty and will be alone forever
"I said something to upset them" = I am in control of other's feelings and am the source of their pain

I make time to worry. It's like I unconsciously have filled out a planner and penciled in time to worry about all the things I am lacking. the things that I don't have that if I did have would make me a better person. I start worrying that I am worrying too much. That someone's going to notice. Tell me I am selfish because I am so worried about myself. how I affect others. how others see me.

Blue. It was the color his face was before it turned beat red. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he knew how every single soul in that gym was reaching out to him. Hoping to ease his pain. To protect him from fear. His soul left his body when he lay flat on a blue mat. Blue. It's how the people who saw him lose his life feel tonight. Life was stopped mid sentence...just like that.

I like yellow. it's my favorite. When I was little, my brother would give me the yellow and orange starburst but not share the rest. I felt sad for those little orange and yellow candies because no one wanted them... they were always the last choices. So, I decided yellow was my favorite color and orange my second favorite. I always get to be the yellow game piece in board games because no one chooses yellow then, either. I was so excited when Coldplay wrote the song, Yellow. What a fabulous idea.

As I sat in something more than shock, watching this man lose his earthly life, I couldn't catch my own breath. I looked at my 87 year old friend I was trying to protect from seeing the fellow man lose his life and we both were completely unsure what to do. So we did nothing. I put my hand on his hand and he grabbed my hand. We were both experiencing something our hearts will never forget. Life. As it was leaving one man's body, we continued to have beating...pounding..hearts that carried our life.

I have been completely unable to push through the battles in my head lately. Just been sitting with them. Hosting dinner parties for them, more or less. Giving up hope. Telling myself my hopes were mere fantasies. That the hurtful things that have been said to me are all well deserved. That I was inevitably going to remain stuck. Why not? It's much easier to believe falsities than fight for the truth..especially when you have people blasting hurtful messages your way.

but......being blue doesn't help anyone. Especially you.

So, we have this life. just one of them.

and instead of spending our time worrying about what's not just how we wish it was....maybe we should spend that time using our entire hearts to protect our minds from worrying...by spending that time doing things to promote living.

so thankful to be given life. My life.

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"-Bob Marley 

Blessings<3
Cortney

Facing my fears; 10 years, is that what it's been?

My heart is currently racing. My hands are shaking.... Do I really write this blog....include pictures...and post it so anyone can see it? Even though I'm so scared people will read it and think differently or think I'm "weird" or "craaazy"....

Gotta do it.


As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. John 9:1-3

Because i want my life to exemplify the works of God....because that's what I'm on this Earth to do.

And I pray. and I breath. And I breath again. and again. 

Here we go....

Ten years ago, I was 16. I had been driving almost a year.. but under strict restrictions. I was allowed to go to the doctor. school. short errands. nothing that required excess exercise. I wasn't going out with my friends and getting into typical teenage mischief. . I was going to the grocery store and sneaking diet dr pepper and reduced calorie bread under my bed. I was buying regular cheese and fat free cheese and switching the packages and throwing away the regular cheese. I was sneaking out at 2 AM to run. I was writing in my journal for hours because I was too scared to be around my friends and let them see what I had become. 

After my 7 weeks in Children's Hospital, my doctor team told my parents that there was nothing else that could be done for me in Arkansas. If they wanted my heart to keep beating, I was going to have to go to a treatment facility thousands of miles away. 

My thoughts: "hahahahahahaha this is ridiculous. I am so healthy. I have everything together. I need no one except myself. LEAVE ME ALONE."

After my grandparents and parents decided together that I was going to indeed be shipped off to ARizona, my dad came and told me. He walked in my room without knocking and I was in the middle of my "exercises". I was absolutely not allowed to be exercising....but that meant I was going to do whatever I had to do to be able to burn calories. 

"CORTNEY! What the hell are you doing???? Are you kidding me??? Yep. You are going."

My reaction: Screaming. Crying. PLEADING. Noo, please no! I will do anything. anything. 

The next day, I called my therapist and told him I was "too fat" and "refused" to go. 

His response: "You are the sickest girl I have ever worked with, Cortney. Get your bags packed. Now."

So, In a fit of rage, I helped the people who were re-doing our floors at home. I went in to the living room and ripped carpet off the floor. (wow, i know). and just cried. for hours. I had lost every ounce of my control regarding my body..and things were about to get real..real fast.

My dad and I drove to Tulsa, OK to head to Phoenix, AZ very soon after. It was the first time I had ever been on a plane. I was so angry. So scared. I knew every single girl there was going to be half my size and I would stick out like a sore thumb.  They would wonder, "what is SHE doing here?" When we got to Arizona, a lady from Remuda Ranch was at the airport to pick us up and drive us to "the ranch". "Heck yaaaa, I get to skip lunch today because there is just no time!"

wrong.

That mean lady said I had to get something at the airport and eat before we left. Okay. What about this apple and 44 ounce diet coke? Crazy woman said I had to have 2 breads, 1 meat and a fruit. 

It had already began. The Diabetic Exchange system. I knew allll about that from ACH. I dispised her. Trying to make me eat before I go to a place that is going to never let me skip a day of eating again? 

"Cortney's doctor sent over her medical charts and our doctor here has required that she get a feeding tube. Immediately."

WHAT THE HELL?!?! I fell to the floor in complete weakness. I was scared absolutely beyond my mind's comprehension.

My dad was with me and I saw him shed a tear for the first time in my entire life. "Okay. Do whatever you need to do."

Why was he betraying me???? He had just bought me a treadmill, leg weights, and running shoes???

I got a NG feeding tube at the hospital before I went to the ranch. They did an x ray to make sure it was placed correctly. 

The metal table I laid on was like ice. My eyes had cried for so long that I was completely numb, emotionally.

I met my therapist before I met the girls who I would be living with. I was terrified. She was TINY. She reminded me of a lady I knew back home and it terrified me. I decided in that moment that I would never say a word of my reality to this lady. No thank you.

After meeting all the girls and getting shown to my room, I was ready to figure out how to escape this hell. Ready to go. But...it was time for dinner.

Tinkerbell, the mini horse at the Ranch! (lovely fly mask, don't you think?!) Loved him.

Yogurt. Fruit. Meat. Carbs. FATS. . . .and at least 8 ounces of water? wait one minute. I dont do that.....

"You have 20 minutes to eat your entire plate. All of it. Nothing left behind. You can only have one ketchup. Lick the yogurt off your yogurt lid. Okay. GO."

After 2 months at the Ranch..On my birthday by my "dream car" a Nissan Exterra :)

Well, that all happened quickly.

I cried the entire time. I couldn't look at anyone. I was ashamed of myself and the place I had gotten to. I just didn't understand why. why couldn't I JUST FREAKING EAT????????

After getting in trouble multiple times for "walking too fast", "not eating all of my yogurt", "trying to hide food" (haha oops, thought the floor was hungry), and "trying to pull out my feeding tube".......I started to get used to the place. I became extraordinarily close with that therapist I had decided I wasn't going to like. I made some of my very best friends. After being forced to drink 64 ounces of gatorade daily for a while to get my electrolytes up...I started enjoying the taste of a once completely off limit thing (beverage with calories). and I started to understand more about myself...and why none of this was about food. 

I was 7 years old when I stopped eating at school. I started having nightmares that wouldn't leave. I went nights without ever closing my eyes out of fear. After months of sleeping on my parent's floor, they made me sleep in my bed. I screamed. I cried. I wouldn't eat. I had moments of time freezing. Of my life stopping and there was no one around to help me. I felt completely out of control.  I didn't know what a calorie was. . but I knew if I didn't eat, my mom would come pick me up from school and I wouldn't have to be without her. 

My usual face for pictures of me eating. 

Few weekends ago, I saw a plethora of people I haven't seen since I was in high school. I immediately reverted to feeling completely hollow and without a voice. I felt ashamed of where my body is now and scared that they would notice.

"Umm....wow, Ellis...

"My name is Cortney."

"Why do you think I don't know you? Of course I do. We always thought you were so pretty. Why didn't you? And good thing you're...well, like you are now"

........and then my stomach completely left my body was I was certain my jaw just dropped.

1. I completely recognize that people are not educated on things that I see as common sense...

2. Let me help you:

-I did not stop eating when I was 7 years old because I wanted to be pretty. In fact, the last thing I wanted was to be pretty. Being pretty meant people, men, would look at you. I did NOT want to be pretty. 

-When someone doesn't know how to survive something external to them, they find a way to internally deal with it. For me, gaining control in every and all situations was how I survived. I did not "just not eat" because I wanted to be pretty, skinny, popular...whatever. I was terrified. My life depended on me finding a way to control anything I could.

-Until you literally walk in someone else's shoes, don't judge them. Don't assume anything. (This is something I continue to learn through meeting all kinds of people!)

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Read up...ignorance isn't always bliss. 

My heart breaks in a million pieces when I think about the little bitty girls out there who are living the life I did...who are scared completely and don't know where or who to turn to. I refuse for my life and the things I have learned to be wasted because I am too embarrassed to be real. Real with everyone. With anyone. With..myself.

Ten years ago, I spent 4 months with a feeding tube, eating over 4,000 calories of food, and gaining half of my body weight in pounds. 

I left with a different body..but with the same, broken and scared heart. I got off the plane in Tulsa, OK and was determined not to eat. I was going to lose those 40 pounds. I was going to escape this black place that I was buried alive in...inside my own head. 

I was so scared to go back to school. Being in high school and returning in a completely different body was mortifying. No one recognized me. No one knew what to say. I just walked around in a complete zombie state, avoiding any and everyone. 

Being in Arizona was, at the time, a giant roadblock. I left so much more scared than I was. My mind/heart weren't ready for my body to change so drastically. I made a vow I would never eat more than 500 calories a day. EVER. 

After several months of living in this black cloud of fear and extreme anger, I was finally losing weight like I thought I needed in order to survive myself. My mom was in rehab. My dad was changing jobs. My brother moved out. I spent all of my energy on school, exercise, and counting each and every calorie. I absolutely did NOT care about my body. At all. I was desperate to stop being scared.

18th birthday.

I came to school one day with two blood stained eyes. Like, inside my eyeball. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't care.

My 1st period anatomy teacher panicked when she saw me. Sent me home immediately to go to the doctor. I went ahead and went to see my eye doctor, but wasn't worried. He called the hospital and had me set up to get an MRI. 

i went to the park and ran instead.

He said that I had possibly had a hemmorrage in an artery in my brain and I needed to go immediately to get it checked out.

Naaa.

From 17-20 years, I played games with my health. I just did not care. I didn't feel valuable enough (note, I didn't say "pretty enough") to take a doctor's time. to get help. I hung out in that black cloud...and didn't let anyone in. Especially anyone who was wanting to help.

I went to a 6 month treatment center at 20 and since have spent years hanging out with therapist, doctors, etc. trying to get myself "together".

Ten years after the biggest nightmare (at the time) came true, here's how I see it:

1.We have to be kind. Always. to every single person we come across. Because sometimes, they don't know how to be nice to themselves and the way we treat them is a reflection of how they need to learn to treat themselves.

2.Don't assume. Ever. Give everyone credit...no matter how convenient it would be to join the crowd and assume the worst..or wrong.

3.Judging others based on your own understanding is probably going to yield false results.

4.Life is way too short to be scared to share your story. Everyday is a blessing we have been given....help someone through your struggles. 

5.Always lick the yogurt off your yogurt lid :)

6.We aren't on this earth to judge others. . we are here to love them..sometimes despite themselves.

7.We are all persons. No matter what. Regardless of absolutely everything, we are all people. Don't let yourself believe otherwise.

8.My God is the only reason I am alive and sharing stories.

9. Que sera sera<3

10. and again...Be Kind. Always.You never know who's heart you might be changing. 




Happy September 2013.

Blessings,

Cortney

Blue cups & Bikini pictures; Fast forward.

She picked me up with her most recent booze cup in hand. It's always in hand. That's how I know her. It doesn't leave. They are connected. It even has grips for better holding comfort.

It used to be a blue cup. ..with a crack down the side. 

It still smells like booze, even though it has been filled with diet coke for the past 10 years. I don't let anyone else use that cup but myself. I love that cup. I worry that it will completely shatter one day. Very soon. The blue cup has a clear cup counterpart and they were both shipped in a box to my dad's, 10 years ago. There they sit, waiting for me to come home and use them. 

I went to Miami this weekend for a Bachelorette party for a friend I've been best friends with since the 3rd grade. This whole "Callie getting married thing" has been a dream we've both thought about since we were little bitty. We were the girlfriends who stayed up all night talking about boys and such things. One time, we decided to rage against our parents (ha) and stay up ALL night on the phone with each other because they wouldn't let us spend the night together. We were attached at the hip. Cortney and Callie. Always...Cortney and Callie. We went on vacations together. She wrote me letters everyday when I was on my "get healthy vacations" we will call them. We never left each other's side. She knows me. 

I have a large drawer full of bathing suits. Most have never been worn. Might still have tags. Not a one of them "fits" me, or so I feel. I hate those bathing suits. All of them. When I put them on, I instantly get a sense of complete disgust. I see a body that I don't understand. I am so tired of that. It's absolutely ridiculous that my best friends can put a bathing suit on and walk around in front of people and not break out in hives. Seriously. I am sick of it.

In the past ten years, there are less than 10 people I have ever worn a bathing suit around. I count all the time. I used to make my grocery list according to the isle each item was on. It was all in order. Memorized by the calories in each item. My mind is packed full of numbers I wonder why I wasn't ever able to memorize dates in history or birthdays of family. 

She brings her cup everywhere we go.. it's her and cup. Not ever, ever just her. She is scared of being alone..no, she is terrified of being alone. Her cup is full of what she needs to keep her mind from letting her be alone. She needs what's in that cup. . temporary satisfaction in those liquids. .they create false illusions for her. They create a peace in her mind. Inside that cup lies the power to erase the horrible things that have happened to her. Temporarily deletes the things she has done that have scared the ones she loves. It goes away. Everything leaves her.

While in Miami, everyone was getting pictures by the beach, pool, with one and another. I had discussed with myself (internally, thank the Lord) on the plane that if no one else put t shirts on over their bathing suits for pictures, I had to also just wear my bathing suit. I never dreamed I would have followed my own orders and take pictures with out a cover up. Heaven help my heart that beat 5x faster the entire day I was in a bathing suit, and 10x faster when taking pictures. 

And then...

I decided I could crop one of the pictures to where you could only see 40% of my bathing suit body. Every single time I see someone post a pic of them in a bathing suit on facebook, I cringe. Temporarily stop breathing and wonder if they are okay? are they eating? are they proud of their body? are they happy? So, I try and ignore those pictures and I sure as HELL would never post a picture of me in a bathing suit. Because, umm, no one wants to see any of that.

and then...

I got a text from a friend who told me to post pictures! of you at the beach! of the good looking Miami boys! of everything! Hmmmmmm, well..... what would happen to me if I posted the cropped picture of me at pretty Miami beach!? 

What if my phone completely broke in half. Everyone saw the picture and was so embarrassed for me posting a picture of myself...ordinary, nothing special, me. What if someone commented about how much fat I have on my body? What if the entire facebook corp. shut down because I posted this picture..of me..in a bathing suit? or......WHAT IF....nothing bad happened. No one made mean comments. I was....

okay.

She called me so many times in the middle of the night, crying, begging me to tell her I loved her. Wanting re-assurance that she wasn't the reason I have struggled with my body most of my life. Making sure I knew that she cared about me. 

I have stayed up many nights wondering what I could do to help her. To make her better. To show her how wonderful she is. To BEG her to go back to rehab and get help. As much as you can want something for someone, they have to want it even more for it to ever happen. I know this all too well..which makes it sometimes debilitating.

The support I got from my close friends in regards to me posting a picture of myself in a bathing suit was amazing. The texts and messages telling me how "proud" "happy" they were for me to take such a giant step was simply overwhelming. I am so blessed. My life is a blessing to me, Cortney. I struggled so much to not throw my phone into the ocean when I saw what I looked like in those pictures of me in a bathing suit. Until I started reading. the Word. remembering, 

Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you.

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

No matter what, I am a human being. in a body. living on earth. trying so hard to live fully and be a living testament to Him and what He has done to take away this struggle I live with. . .the struggle She lives with. . .

When I let that skanknasty devil take over my heart, mind, and soul I turn into the girl who refuses to eat whenever else is because I don't deserve the calories. I tell myself how fat my legs are and how embarrassed I should be to be anywhere around people. I believe the lies. My heart aches and feels so, so terribly empty. My mind reminds my heart of the people who want me to hurt. Who say I am hopeless. 

When I lay on the sandy, God-made beach and beg him to take over my mind and fill it with joy and thanksgiving, He shows me his love. The sunshine he controls blasts all over my body  (you know, the one in the bikini) and I feel His presence. I turn over and look down and see my legs. I am devastated. Why can't they look different?

NO!

STOP!

"“...Often the hardest person to fight for is... yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. Without you, much will be lost." -Captivating

She walks in to her house and refills her cup. Alone. She says she went to church, she told me what she is going to eat (she won't) for dinner. She does it all without Him. She doesn't know how to let go. She is so scared. She is sick. She doesn't see the elephants all over the room. everywhere she goes, there they go...right beside her. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I hate it, in fact. I have to let her see those elephants. She has to before she will change. Maybe she will read this blog. Maybe she will be angry. Maybe you know someone you have all these feelings of hope towards. Maybe they will look for help. othey won't. Whatever happens, has been orchestrated to happen exactly when it does. No matter what we do. I've decided to have faith in that. To let go. To sttop torturing myself over the things I have zero control over. I will fail, but then I will pick myself up and try again. and again. and again. 

I mean....I did post a picture that over 1,000 people could see....of me...in a bathing suit. Ahhh! Anything you think you can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do....

you can.

(unless it has to do with dating, because I haven't figured out anything on that subject :) )

Do this to someone's starbucks cup...day uplifter fooo shooo

:)

Cortney

"Eat your spinach (balance bar) and fight to the finish"--Said your heart on yoga.

“What you are is God's gift to you, what you become is your gift to God.”- Hans Urs von Balthasar

This girl is AMAZING...

When I was 12, I played the violin for a year. I was absolutely terrible. I had such big ideas of the things I was going to be able to play on my violin, but I never got past "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I moved on. Chased new dreams (after this picture, of course).

I've been reading several different books at the same time because I am frightened if I don't keep my mind working, I will turn into an eggplant. 
my Bible (study bible, of course. so much easier to understand!)
 The Purpose Driven Life
 Captivating
The Shack
and now  Breaking Free

Notice a trend?

I'm almost 27 years old (October 20th, you know, same as Tom Petty<333) and I feel like I am 14. I am terrified about growing up.....you'd think I was a sheltered child with no real life experience in ...life?!

 When I was 20, I was living in Florida, with a husband and wife I didn't know anything about (ended up being the two best people I've ever met) working 3 jobs to survive, and learning how to keep myself  out of the hospital. Looking back, I have no idea how I did it. Suppose when you have no other options, you do what you have to. . until life changes, again.

I love to tell stories. Hear stories. Laugh about things we used to do, say, wear, like, etc. I love people. Like, I love people a lot. It has proven to be helpful and harmful, just as most things in life are. Listening to people tell me their story...who they are...is my most favorite thing of absolutely all time. 

Perhaps it's only natural that I love listening to people tell me who they are. . what's happened to them to make them that way. . who they credit with bringing about better memories. . what they long to do with their life. . what they believe in. . etc. For many, many months, I have been forced to sit in rooms and spill my heart out to people I might or might not know. Analyzing me. Asking me ...why? why are you the way you are? what happened to you? what do you like about yourself? what do you see when you look in the mirror? what makes you happy? what makes you sad? so on and on and on and on and so forth. 

One time, I remember (read it in a journal, and hence remember) getting so tired of having to do this, I said, "I believe i look as if  i'm half sow half calf.....and I feel.. I feel like a rotten strawberry, sir." 

It's been a loooong process to get to the point where I can write about "feelings"/thoughts/stories...haha, rotten strawberry. That was clever. . at least I thought so :)

I love hearts. I take pictures of anything I see that looks like a heart. .everything else going on in my life is put on halt until I get a picture. Two of my most recent..

Pretty yellow leaf<3

 (Chip piece broken into a heart) <3

“Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” -Rick Warren


After about 3 months of living in Florida, I had had enough of doing what I was being told to do. I was done listening to "what's best for me". I had tuned everyone out and started listening only to myself...once again. I quit answering phone calls. Put on a smile when I was around my doctors and friends, but was so scared. My heart was shattered because I gave up on it ever growing back together. I was tired of physically hurting from having so much food in my stomach. Done with food.. with finishing my bars and boost drinks. Done. I was sitting at the table one afternoon for snack and I just stared at the snack and balance bar sitting in front of me. I refused to touch them. Enough was enough. I was in charge, and i said no more. no.more.

(filed under vomit in my files, yuck)

(( fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with cmy righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10-13))

After two hours of sitting at that table, crying with every ounce of energy I had, explaining to my nutritionist and therapist that I didn't care anymore. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep fighting. I was too tired. I couldn't live inside that body anymore. I had to turn back to where I was months ago. I screamed.."Please just leave me alone and let me do what I know I need to do to be okay"... tears wouldn't stop. For two hours I was surrounded by two of the most Christ-filled woman I've ever met. They poured love in to my hungry soul. Begged me to let me let them help. I was curled up in a ball in my chair, covered in tears. Control was no where in sight. Flashbacks wouldn't exit my mind and I was stuck inside a body that wouldn't let go of past hurts. A 210 calorie balance bar and 60 calorie serving of fruit had complete control over my body, life, mind, spirit,....everything. I was a slave to those calories.... To the fear of completely giving up and letting something...Someone stronger than me...taking over and helping me.

At beginning of hour 3 (at this time, everyone had left work, but the 2 ladies sitting with me at table), one of the ladies said, "I'm going to eat this snack with you. Can I have one of your bars and some grapes?" I was so confused. Shocked. Unsure what to do. I said, "wait, you are going to eat 270 calories just because...I don't want you to not eat dinner now though". She laughed and assured me she was going to be fine. Thirty minutes later, we had both eaten the snacks. Together. She was right by my side, no matter how horrible and mean I was regarding giving up. She never left. She believed in me...she cared. I'll never forget her. I'll never forget what it feels like to be completely done. finished. defeated. . .but then to be brought back to believing there was something out there for me...that  I had a ....purpose. I had meaning....so much more meaning than 270 calories could ever take away from me...from my heart. People are put in our lives for such an amazing purpose. . .

(completely irrelevant to subject, but I laughed...a lot)

I have an extreme fear of letting people help me...to do anything. Fold my laundry. Buy my lunch. Move my furniture. Listen to me. Talk me out of my worries. All of it. For most of my life, I believed that when someone helped you, that meant you were weak and completely outside of your own control. Control. Control. Control. Please. Don't take my control. Ever. When you grew up in my story, that is what was my most prized possession. And if controlling the calories that went inside my body was the only control I had in my entire life...well, then that it was.

 (cute dog in monkey pj's)

Being nearly 27, I feel like I should have outgrown this crippling fear of needing control and NOT needing absolutely anyone. anyone. You know, pushed it away with my fears of the dark (maybe that's still there..!?!), snakes (oh, that one, too), or eating yogurt with a spoon (okay, listen, we've established that I'm not "typical"...ha :)

I have been diving deep in to places of my heart that i've strayed so far from as to hope to punch them in the face and move on from them. So, very far away. Without writing 1,000 more words about what I've been doing lately to get myself to this place, I'll tell you in spark notes:
1. My faith...my God.

I am so tired of "Christians" making me want to do anything but be like "them". So, so very tired. Always posting bible verses, but showing absolutely no evidence of living a life of faith. Pushing *religion in to other's way. Hurting people, in fact because they aren't living Godly lives but instead putting themselves and their ability to lead people to God number 1...and not God. It's so sad. and Not okay.

Therefore, I decided a few months ago to let them do their own thing...and I will figure out what a "Christian" really is. I've been a believer and gone to church off and on most of my life, but I have never..ever given myself over to God. Ever. I have been partially in..a lot out. The crumbling fear of letting go of my need to control my life and myself has put a major wall up for years. It's been an overwhelmingly emotional thing to do. Every day I feel like giving up and giving myself complete control again. I continue to push onward. (because I pray 30 times an hour for help). Understanding I will not ever be perfect continues to be a battle I fight throughout the day. . and learning that even as I push towards opening up my heart and life to be stronger in my faith. . I will never reach the standards I have set for myself throughout the years. . because I am human. .and the only perfect person. . .isn't a person. <3

What works out exceptionally well is knowing that exactly where I am.....He will take me back. Such a lovely thought.

<3 It's something how life makes sense when you realize everything happens for another reason and another reason and then again....another reason. For a purpose. A BIG purpose. Remember that little control issue I have?! Let me tell you, this whole "letting go and letting God" has been unimaginably difficult. For the past 3 months, I have learned so much about myself. . .and am learning to accept. . .I am exactly where I am supposed to be . .and everything is going to happen as it should. . even if I don't always agree :)

Shouts outs to my phenomenal friends who have been angels these last few months. . .and continue to be:)

"To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do--to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst-is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed." 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 Just a little Zonkey, no big deal. 

Love love love,

Cortney