I think of you....and I'm not afraid.

'What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

Besides the hats on each rail of her bed, and other hat/purse stand, she has these. My nannie's winter hats are my favorite. Stylish, she was---beautiful she will always remain. (Note the Las Vegas coin purse and American flag fanny pack she had for her quarters at the casino). I love her.

My grandmother had a massive stroke in her sleep, stayed in a coma for a day, and left us for Heaven this morning about 6 a.m. She wasn't sick nor did she have any symptoms to trigger alert. She just left, quietly and without any pain...and went Home. I love you, Nannie.

If you follow my blog or know me very well, you are aware that my grandmother was more than a grandparent to me. She was my strength, courage, source of love, and did everything for me. My nannie and papaw have gone above and beyong their role of "grandparents". Sure, they spoiled me with gifts, cards, and love..but our relationship was very different. My life has been not so average, and if it weren't for my nannie and papaw, it would hvae been no life at all. I wasn't physically living with them my entire life, but emotionally and spiritually, they have shaped me into who I am. Thank you, nannie and papaw.

When I was 11/12, my grandparents are the ones who told my parents "something isn't right..Cort won't eat pancakes and sausage (ha)". No one did anything for a couple years, but if it weren't for my grandmother's ability to say whatever she was feeling and not always think ahead (bless her sweet heart), no one would have recognized something wasn't right. I love them.

My first shopping memories come from being with my nannie, cousin Beth, Aunt Julie, and a strip mall in DeWitt. Let me tell you girls, if you think rompers are cute now....you should have seen them 20 years ago. Shopping with nannie was the best way to boost your confidence (maybe not at 5, but when I was older). "Oh Cort! This is just DARLING! you have to get it." I loved those words :) When I was 13, my nannie picked me out a cute little Tommy Hilfiger sweater (hollaaa TH!), but bought it for a child who was a size 6. "Oh dear! I knew you were small, but I guess I got confused on how small!" We all got a big laugh out of this sweater. I love her.

 After seeing my family doctor off and on for weight loss/etc since I was about 9,  I was 14 and started having heart problems. After going to local doctors and just avoiding the enivitable, my grandparents told my parents to go ahead and send me to a specialist (Dr. Portilla, one of the best women that will ever live) in Little Rock and see what was going on with me. I went kicking and screaming, but i went. I was very resentful towards my grandparents for encouraging this for a long time. I thought they were mad at me and I didn't know how to change..and I wanted to so badly.

My nannie and papaw came up to Little Rock for my first appointment with the doctor, expecting to meet up and go eat lunch, talk about how i was going to get all better, and go home. Well, unbeknownst to me, I was sick. I was sent right to Children's Hospital for several weeks. Nannie and Papaw were my first visitors. Papaw wrote me e-mails. Nannie mailed me cards and flowers. No one knew what to do. People would ask what was wrong with me. why wouldn't i just eat. why couldn't i get over this and get home. You know what my nannie said? "This hospital room is awfully boring....brought you some company"....she brought me several stuffed pigs (*love pigs) and told me to talk to them when I was sad. Simple as that. She knew what I needed.

After months of being in Children's, I was told I had to go to intensive inpatient treatment. My thoughts:"this is the biggest joke. I am 2 pounds away from 80 pounds after all of this ridiculous food at the hospital. I am disgusting. I have to go home and loose all of this weight they've put on me before some treatment center is going to think I am sick." My nannie's thoughts:"get your ass in gear and get healthy...you are going to treatment." My parents were in no way able to pay for me to go to a setting that cost over $3,000 a day..that would require me to stay minimum 3 months. However, my nannie and papaw did everything they could and sent me there. No questions asked. My dad would put the Children's hospital bills on my bed each month he got one as a reminder "of what i was doing to the family" by not getting better. I have NEVER heard one word of money in regards to my months of several different treatments from my nannie or papaw. and you know...and I NEVER will. Nannie always told me that she and papaw weren't mad at me. they know i didn't chose to have this illness. She told me she believed in me. . and KNEW i could get better because I had to help other girls who were sick. I had to get better. i would get better. no matter what anyone said/did to me. "You are strong, Cortney...you have to tell yourself that"

My nannie has always been sweeter than she knew what to do with. She always said things that everyone else was thinking, but couldn't say (I say this is where I get this trait from!). She told it to you straight. She was confident. She did what she wanted. Love this about her.

Nannie and papaw loved each other with a love I hope to one day experience (even half of it would do). They called each other Nannie and Papaw...and I always thought those were there real names...until nannie would get mad at papaw and call him Papaw Frank. :) Trent (my older brother) and I used to get car sick like none other. When we lived in Fort Smith, it took 4 hours to get to nannie and papaws. We would travel back and forth several times ove rthe summer so we could stay with them. Nannie always knew to pack saltines and fruit with us because we both would be calling the dinosaurs at some point and would need a snack.

She loved diet dr pepper with lemon. Spaghetti. Cheese dip mixed with salsa. Orange Beach, AL. the RAZORBACKS! all things football. Troy's vanilla milkshakes. Frank Sinatra. Barbara Striesand. Dirty Dancing. Fox News. candy. getting her hair done. and of course...her family and friends...and well, everyone.

 (Cousin, Brock -my beauitful Nannie-brother, Trent--2003 high school graduation checks!)

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

I moved in with my grandparents after I got home from treatment in Arizona and things weren't going well at home. First of all, I was 17 and NOT a happy camper. I was mad at everyone in my life for forcing me to stay in treatment, gain 40 pounds, have a feeding tube and look like an alien, and "abondon" me. Second of all, who in their right mind offers to take care of someone in this condition?! Well, my nannie and papaw. I had to do all of my meals with them. all of my snacks. I had to follow strict rules. I could only have one diet coke a day (ahhh torture!haha). I wasn't allowed to run. I had to sit and watch tv after each meal and not go lay in bed and cry. "you are GOING to get through this, cort." I was mad. I was not pleasant. I argued. I lied. I ran in the middle of the night. I weighed myself 25x a day. I hid food so I wouldn't have to eat it. I was living in a silent hell and i wanted everyone to let me "just run a little and eat less fat..and then I'll be okay".

They didn't kick me out. they didn't call my parents and tell them that I was a terrible human being and they couldn't "deal" (you get used to hearing that you are impossible to "deal" with in these circumstances) with me. You know what they did? Told my parents I was staying longer. My thoughts:"Greaattttttttt" haha. I knew if I went home, there was enough madness going on, I could "get away" with whatever i wanted. While my "friends" were out partying, sneaking out to do crazy teenager things, and dating boys...I was sneaking out to run, hiding diet coke under my bed, religiously performing food rituals, and continuing to lie to my grandparents and everyone else I cared about (who I now know cared enough about me to make me strive to do better). My parents were too busy with family "things" and my sweet brother's teenage rebellion (ha, love you!). It was After I went home and completely stopped taking care of myself again that I was able to understand how badly I needed my nannie and papaw. I was too sick to let them help me, but I knew they were just what I needed. I cried. I wrote them a 10 page letter explaining how sorry and scared I was and that I needed them.

They called me. Crying. and told me they weren't mad. they LOVED me.  I was shocked. I was certain they were done with me, too.

My nannie is more than a "nannie". She is a majority of the reason I have continued to fight this battle. She is why I search for and love the good in others, despite the pain they might have caused me. She is also the reason I will never forget I am worth* being loved..and I am capable of being loved. She has been in my life every.single.step. Never let me go. Never hurt me. Always loved me. Always told me the truth (even when I didn't want to hear it).

My nannie, Carol Ellis, deserves to be honored for her life..and my life. She has given me hope, unconditional love, and joy...more than any other soul. Her and my papaw are/were my best friends. I let nannie know last night when she was in her coma that I would make sure papaw got all 3 meals, got to go to the casino, and didn't mess with her laptop :)

My life is better because you were in it and you will ALWAYS live in my heart.

....until we meet again

i love you.

cortney

"Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts"

Yellow is my favorite color. . I LOVE yellow roses.

I have a feeling I would get yellow roses for all the sappy holidays if someone would be kind enough to order them for me from my dogs. 

After spending two weeks in Fort Smith at the nursing home for clinicals, I am now back in Conway, going to class, babysitting, working as a lab assistant and working on some "goals" I've been given. One, still continues to be writing in my journal and making blog posts. Writing brings me so much peace and a break from a hectic schedule. Ninety nine percent of my day is spent inside my head, worrying about things that I cannot change...and then obsessing about the things I can. It's been pointed out to me that the longer I spend unwilling to change, the more time I will have wasted. Perhaps that sounds negative to some, but I am as hard-headed as they come and sometimes I need to hear it straight. 

I was then asked, "what do you want to be remembered as? who do you want to be?what do you want your life's message to be?" 

Immediately, I responded, " I want to be the person that makes a difference to someone who is trying to survive trauma....I want to show them that they can do it. I want to be living proof that regardless of a world that doesn't support me or want me to be strong, I WILL be strong. I don't want my life to be a waste. I don't want to have struggled for years and it equate to nothing more than a battle within myself. Which, is why I write this blog. I want to reach someone who is where I have been/where I am/or where I want to be...and let them know they aren't alone. We ALL go through similar struggles, some are just hardwired to deal with them..and some need help to get to the point they CAN deal with them. Ever since that question was asked of me, I think about what I do and how it affects everyone around me...for the good...or the bad.

You know when someone you love deeply is hurt? talked rudely to? embarrassed? Sad? etc. . and all you want to do is make that person feel better? I really really hate that feeling. Many times I find myself forgetting myself completely and pouring myself into that individual to do whatever I can to help them. and you know what I also really, really don't like?! When that same person you/I try so hard to help is eventually the cause of you being upset and out of sorts. Actually, I believe that to be the worst pain available. 

We set expectations for others, especially those we care about, and believe they will be carried out. Unfortunately, we are all humans and all mess up. We focus on ourselves and forget how badly we can hurt someone with the tiniest (or biggest!) of errors. 

I might be the worst person/friend when it comes to talking on the phone or in person about things going on in my life. I am Always available to listen to my friends, but when it comes to me opening up via my voice and not my written words, well, it's seemingly impossible. I love to write. I've had journals since I was old enough to write. From time to time, I go back and read different passages (when I was a teenager, I went back and corrected the spelling and grammar of my very first journals..haha). When I was 6, I wrote, "I don't know, but I think I have lost my mind. and I don't know where it went." It cracked me up when I read it, but it's very true. It was about that time that everything started for me. . . and at 6, I literally thought my mind had been stolen. . and actually. . it was. I am 25 years old, but when I am scared, in certain places, or around certain people I become 6 again. We all do things that make us feel "safe" or protect us from other people's words/actions/what have you. For some, their "defense mechanism" is being a complete ass hole and not being affected by the pain they cause others. Not one bit. Seems crazy to me, and probably many of you, but in reality, they are protecting themselves from something, too. I have reminded myself of this over and over these past few weeks. I told a friend today that, "I am tired of less than thoughtful people. I believe I will take a break from them for a bit." and i mean it.

I think I am going to be done being the receiving end of someone's bad attitude. However, in realizing this, I also have to remind myself that I am jsut as capable of causing someone to feel poorly about themselves because of my own bouts with a bad attitude, etc. Maybe I am "sensitive". Maybe I get my feelings hurt more easily than others. However, I am trying to honor the fact that I am now experiencing "feelings" and I can't cut myself down (neither can you!)because I am a human being and am capable of being the source of someone's hurt feelings. I have to remind myself of that good ole golden rule, "treat others as you would like to be treated" and live it. I, for one, generally do not believe it when someone says, "I care about you, yadayadayada". Why? Because you can tell me for hours that you think I am a nice person and you appreciate me..and then immediately walk all over me and instead of "appreciating" me. It's very simple. Do not open up your mouth and tell someone that you "care" about them...if you are going to hurt them with zero intentions of ever "caring" about anything other than yourself. (Getting off soap box).

You know what's annoying?  Worrying. Worrying about when I could text back without looking too interested, when to hang out with someone and when to play "hard to get", when it was okay to compliment a guy without seeming to come on "too strong". I am tired. I do not like games. I wake up some days and wonder if I really was meant to be just me. and my dogs (duh). and some days, I am happy with that idea. others... I get very overwhelmed and think of all the ways I need to change in order to be like all my friends who are married, engaged, in loooove, whatever they may be. and then. I remind myself that I have spent WAY too much of my life trying to hide from who I am...because Ive been embarrassed. I've been scared of admitting to who I am, what I struggle with, how I deal with it, and what my fears are. Why? Because of people who have said terribly ugly things to me because they simply don't understand.  "you are just being dramatic", "you are the vainest person I've ever known", "you need to grow up and move on", "you've already wasted most of your life, why don't you just stop with this game", etc. What I have to say to them (and any one who feels this way towards myself or ANY other human being)is this. "I am sorry you feel this way. If you would like to pass more judgement on me, please, get in line." :) Think about what you say before you say them. Don't EVER underestimate how hard someone is trying to do things that might seem ridiculous to you, but are the hardest steps they've ever made. None of us know or understand someone else's struggles. We can't pretend to. We were made to CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. When we hurt each other, even if the reasons seems over dramatic or non nonsensical, we are hurting ourselves. . .which starts the terrible cycle of unhappy people. 

I don't like it when people are upset because of something someone has said to them that has caused them to re-think all the hard word they have done and are doing. Be nice. Smile. Don't underestimate kind words. If you want people to treat you poorly...well, get some help, and pretend like it's opposite everyday when following the Golden Rule.

Off and away.

Cortney :)

"Don't worry, be happy!"-quote by every dog in the world :)

Currently, I am experiencing a love affair with joy. The neatest part about this, is how I spent soo much time being preoccupied with worry, waited for doom, expected nothing good, and believed that nothing positive was going to come out of my two weeks in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Well. I was wrong. All of the things I worried about happening..have happened. But, I have dealt with them...and am making it.

I have made is 8 days in Fort Smith/Fayetteville. It's been hard. I have cried (waawaa, however, if you know me, you know this is actually not a terrible thing because I normally allow myself to "feel" enough to cry about once a year?) almost daily. I have called my grandparents more than they have gone to the casino in the past week (a LOT). But.

I have found exactly...110% what I want to do with the rest of my life. 

I am joyful.

I love working with the aging population. My grandparents are the best people in my life...not because the are cute, sweet, and older...but because they put everything in their life on hold to send me to hospitals and long term care centers for months at a time to keep me alive. My parents had given up. Some of my friends did the same. My grandparents instead paid the equivalent to a couple years at an Ivy League school for me to spend 4 months at a treatment center. Why? Because they loved me when I was not myself. when I was the most un-lovable. I want to give back to a population that has saved my life with their generosity, compassion, and support. I will no doubt take care of my grandparents when they get to that point, but until then, I want to surround myself with people like them. 

I am thankful.

whenever I get upset or worried, I try to push through and think of what makes me happy...no, *joyful. It makes me smile...which I think somehow makes your brain think you are happy, and all sorts of weird stuff happens in your body and BAM! you be happy (it's science, and probably proven somewhere).

1. Reconnecting with friends from loooong ago (who now have dachshunds, too) :)

2. Eating my favorite food (braum's frozen yogurt) and thinking about good memories that have caused me to love it (my papaw used to take all the grandkids when he came into town and let us get whhhhaaaatever we wanted...go figure I got out of control amounts of every kind of ice cream with chocolate)

3. Spending time with kids I used to babysit..who are now teenagers and don't think they are too cool to be seen with me

4. Finding my name on the University of Arkansas Senior walk (even if i graduated 3 years ago and just found it)

5. Getting a Birthday card with a singing pig on cover, and opening it to read"I know it's not even close to your birthday, but I learned from you that it doesn't matter what the card says, if it has a pig or dachshund on it, it's a must buy" and finding out the card..and money!..were for my high school graduation...that was 7 years ago:)

6. Listening to the nursing home residents say how much they love their life, living, and seeing their loved ones live a happy life. keywords: loving life

7. Discovering what passion feels like 

8. Letting some scary memories go....and making new, happier memories

9. Talking on the phone with friends..and NOT texting them.

10. Getting to see my mom happy. she is babysitting ellie for 2 weeks and i haven't seen her smile and talk so upbeat in..years.

Just a couple quotes that I love and strongly believe in :)

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle - Albert Einstein.

I think everyone should be told they’re beautiful until they believe it  -Unknown

 I Love Lucy. The best show of all time. 


On school nights, my mom used to let my brother and I lay in her bed and watch it before going to bed. She would take turns scratching our backs while we fell asleep and she ate her dinner. This was my favorite part of the day, and I have been thinking about how thankful I am for that time I had with my mom...and brother.   :)


joyfully yours,
cortney