"What the people need..is a way to make 'em smile:)"

My first concert was the Boss, aka Bruce Springsteen, when I was 13. 

When I was learning to 

walk, my dad played primarily Tom Petty because I always got up and moved to the music...and eventually took steps. As I got a little older and was developing coordination skills (lacking), my

 favorite songs were: 1. Runaway Train -Soul Asylum 2. Dancing On The Ceiling -Lionel Richie. 

Music--GOOD--music has always been a major part of my life. My dad knows the year, title, album name, and band name of most all classic rock music. . and always tried to get me to do the same. However, I never really cared (still don't) about that; I just want to listen to the amazing lyrics, 

 beat, instruments, etc that come alone with.... *good* music. 

When I think of ways to make me smile, I obviously think of music. Music is the doctor, no doubt. I feel bad for people who admit (ah, terrible) to never hearing Bad Company, Creedance Clearwater Revival (original CCR,yep), or 38 Special. HOW is this possible?! It makes me heart smile extra 

big when the 7 year old I babysit (Anna, my mini me bff) sings to a Rolling Stones song she has 

heard while going somewhere with me....bless her young heart, it's the only way to start out and she is such a little diva :)

I can't stand silence. It makes my head hurt. I love background music. I might be in the middle of doing something, but if a good song comes on....I am up, dancing, singing until my lungs beg for air, and *smiling* the entire time. Unless I fall off a table (it happens), and then I am momentarily

 dazed....and you got it.... confused. :)

Everything I love, involves words. I think words are just a phenomenal thing. Adjectives, 

especially.  (Isn't it weird how adjectives are actually nouns....but also adjectives?! If you are 

wondering, I think it's pretty neat). Writing, as you are probably learning, is the most peaceful

 thing for me to do....while listening to music, that is. Currently, I am listening to "Shattered" -Rolling Stones. . .wait, now its's "Dreams" -The Cranberries. I can't pay attention to a TV show for very long....I get bored (unless it's the news or something about murder, drugs, psychology, or dogs....

is that weird? -nope!). 

Besides music, dogs, and ice cream..... making things is my favorite.

I used to make jewelry...alllll the time. I loaned all of my supplies to my 

mom when she was in the hospital for a long time, and some ladies stole them. How sweet, right? 

I had 5 tackle boxes full of different colored/textured/what have you beads. Spend countless 

hours making things. When I lived in Arizona, I had all of my stuff with me. . on Saturdays, some of

my friends and I would gather in the living room of our house and would complain about any non

sense that was happening (group of teenage girls, we always had something to say!) and just 

thread beads through string....and it made everyone happier. One day, my friend Abby wasn't 

paying attention, and knocked a couple of the boxes over...and thousandssss of beads went everywhere. Did I panic? YES. However, it was almost as therapeutic picking up each bead and organzing them as it was to make jewelry (ha). Abby was always trying to imitate my "Accent"(she was from wayy up north and said it was "cute"), dress like me, do her pony tail/knot/bun like mine, and even walk like I did (might have had a little limp from an accident...haha). I always thought she was making fun of me. I did not like it. It hurt my feelings. Until, the day she knocked my beads over. I was about to burst into tears about losing all the beads, until Abby said "oh Noooo!!! I am Soooo sorry, CortnAY!" in the most artificial Arkansas accent I do believe I've ever heard. it was 

HILAROIUS. I don't know why that was our bonding moment, but it was.

And branching off from beads into the next section of my thought process...

 For a week straight, several of us spent hours a day on the ground picking up teeeny tiny beads. I didn't even care about my beads. I was so happy to know she wasn't making fun of me. She actually just liked me....and wanted to be like me. wow, that was quite a revelation. I hated so much that I spent months disliking someone...who was just trying to be my friend....but all I could see was

 my own insecurities within myself. 

It's so crazy how we really do get most irritated with others when they do some of the same things we do, but we don't want to recognize our faults in doing these things...only others. Abby was so funny. talked allll the time. laughed really loud, but always contagious. she hated raisins (me too). she never did her hair because she just didn't care about impressing anyone. she loved her family. she was athletic. I wanted to be just like Abby. It irritated me so much that I couldn't be. When she tried to be like me, I thought she had lost her mind, because obviously she was much cooler than I. Abby was a very unhappy person. She was sick. very sick. Didn't listen to what anyone told her 

to do to get her health back. Took matters into her own hands. Rebelled against her faith, friends, 

and family. We talked and thought it was so funny that we each spend months so envious of each other...that we never got to really know each other. So is life. Abby and I were very similar and it

took me a long time to realize and accept that I should embrace those exact qualities in her..that I had, too. We learn to be happy with ourselves from within....but the people and places we take ourselves strongly impact our happiness. We learn who we are through the decisions we make, the

 people we choose to keep in our lives, the ones we let go, and the hopes we strive to reach. 

I had a rough morning. Mornings like today remind me of Abby. In 2006, after years of struggling, Abby died. She was only 19. I strongly believe that other people's lives are meant to be 

testimonies. Whether they are living or gone, their life has a message and we are all supposed to

 learn from it. Abby, was a firecracker. . .but was too unhappy with herself to love herself. I know Abby's life had a purpose on Earth...and it continues to, even though she's in Heaven.

Take a minute to love yourself. Do things that bring you joy. You deserve it :)

"You will quickly realize that peace finds its way much more easily to you when you smile"

Well I know, you know better
Everything I say
Meet me in the country for a day
We'll be happy
And we'll dance
Oh, we're gonna dance our blues away
And if I'm feelin' good to you
And you're feelin' good to me
There ain't nothin' we can't do or say
Feelin' good, feeling fine
Oh, baby, let the music play 

Oh, oh, listen to the music

"Listen to the Music" -The Doobie Brothers ----


-Cortney

*Whatever You Fight, You Strengthen, and What You Resist, Persists*

It's Wednesday. .and to my Nannie, that meant "Ladies day" at the casino buffet. Even though she would only eat a small salad, fruit, sweet potato (swore buffets had the best), bites of my papaw's lunch, and maybe a sugar-free piece of cake (diabetic), she loved going to eat lunch in Helena or Tunica. Wednesday nights I always talked to her and heard about who won $, what was best on the buffet, and that she has been laying on the couch since they got home. Even though I know she is having a "ladies day" every single day in Heaven,  I am struggling so much to accept that Wednesdays...aren't Wednesdays anymore. 

"When you come to the end of all the light that you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."

I took my first kickboxing class tonight...and let me tell you...I have not a fighting muscle in my body. Physically, I would like to be able to smash a bad guy in the face, put him in the sleeper hold, and then drag him off into a swamp and then let the police people get him there. I have this weird self esteem thing where I think I am bigger, stronger, and meaner than anyone who would try to hurt me...because why would I let myself believe I was physically AND emotionally weak? Not happening. Because I am not.  However, I'm learning that without emotional (waawaa get over it if you are weirded out by emotions or talk of them) strength, boundaries, and balance one can never become "strong" in any sense. If we go through the process (long o journey) of acclimating ourselves with who we are, what we stand for, and what we believe, then we can gain the strength it takes to overcome any obstacle. .

Even the seemingly impossible obstacle of accepting that you have to be okay even though you no longer have the woman who was your everything because it was her time to go to Heaven.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." 

I get very distracted with the world: the problems I create for myself. the lies other people say, and I believe. the lies i say to myself, and I believe. false friends. hateful comments. people misunderstanding my reality. me misunderstanding people's reality.

"Patience with ourselves"...what a lovely idea. Allowing ourselves to actually "go through" feelings and not bypass them and believe that we "got over" something that, consequently, we have merely brushed aside. 

Today is Wednesday, June 6, 2012. Even though I don't have my grandmother around anymore to remind me to keep my head up, do what I know is best, and listen to people who matter....doesn't mean I can allow myself to forgot those things. 

Must. Push. On. 

*My papaw called me today and asked if I wore a size 7 shoe (no) because nannie had about 15 pair of shoes that had never been worn (what a great woman!) and he wanted someone to wear them. My nannie LOVED sketchers. . but called them "skeeters". . and always wanted me to know how comfortable they are. Well, maybe I'll have to try some skeeters out next time i am needing some kicks.

:)

Blessings y'all!

cortney

American flag fanny pack the 4th of July 2011, check! <3

"I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette."

Here's the deal. I am not bitter about the "bad relationships" I've been in. I am not mad at the people who have hurt me because they knew they could. I am tired of allowing myself to feel those things. It's truly been a waste of time, emotions, and thoughts. I was sitting in church this morning thinking about someone who has recently stabbed me right where they knew it would hurt the worst....over. and over. Right after comments would be said, I found myself wanting to scream, cry, yell, or all of the above. I never did any of those things. I held it in. I told myself that maybe they were right. Maybe I didn't have any courage. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I was....just too much. 


but alas!


After several "episodes" of being told these things...by someone else..and then consequently by myself...I decided to do something about it.


It took a while, but I realized...how sad this person must be. How much they dislike them self. How jealous they were of my ridiculously fabulous dog family. 


So.


I decided every time the thoughts this person pushed even deeper into my mind came up, I would send positive vibes (yaaa mannn) their way. Tell myself that just because they decided to use my down falls against me, I couldn't continue to allow myself to do the same thing to myself...or to them. Where was it getting me? 


(Besides wal mart buying cucumbers to put under my eyes to de-puff those suckers)


When I was in Florida, a lady who worked at the place I lived was pretty on target when it came to relationships. She told me to make a list. a long list. of the qualities/etc that I wanted and NEEDED in a dude (a man, whatever). That was five years ago. I have never made this list...or really even thought about it. What does that make me? A giant chicken whos not had a head for years...and continues to wonder WHY does no one work out to my expectations? 


wait.


Expectations? Like......that they are going to end up being some ex convict who hurts puppies and steals ice cream from kids....?! Haha, seriously, my "picker" has not only been broken, but obviously absent...for some time. 


Don't let me fool you, not all of the bros I've dated are awful. Actually, some are still my pals....and were more "there for me" during this time of coping with the loss of my nannie...than my "friends". Who knew?


Now, after ranting and raving, it's time.


the LIST!


1. If you have a dog, it's understood that my dogs are of top priority...even though we will accept and love your Fiddo.
2. If you are an LSU fan, you will be asked to keep your Tiger gear out of site...unless it's at a bonfire :)
3. You must love ice cream...It's really boring sitting at a table and eating an entire carton alone.
4. My grandfather is more handsome, sweeter, more generous, understanding than you are. Deal with it.
5. Cats scare me..and you scare me if you have one. 
6. Chewing tobacco is for 1950s baseball players...only. that is GROSS
7. I am going to say/do REALLY embarrassing things. Don't be rude.
8. If you don't think talking about bloody surgeries, injuries/etc is neat...well, don't spoil it for me.
9. I don't care that you work out 2x a day and are gonna gain ___lbs of muscle. Seriously. That makes me think you are also judging my body all the time. Just entertain me with more important things. like..a trip to sea world. 
10. If Anderson Cooper or Tom Petty become available and want to marry me...they are kind of shoe ins...sorry :)




random post.....but hey, i planned my life with a guy who's name I don't even know today. He was at a 45 degree angle to me in church, and it was really a neat experience..for me. Weirdo? No. Optimist? Getting there :)




Have a great Sunday, friends!


Cortney