The weight of things.

I was in a hurry to run up to the 5th floor of the hospital to see a patient before lunch was served. I saw a lady in the hall way trying to help a beetle flip to his belly so she could take him outside. Without thinking, I walked over to the lady and reached under the bug with a piece of paper and together, we got the bug out the door. Two people with the same goal in mind. Working together for, what we saw, a purposeful task. She thanked me multiple times for helping her and wished me well. Eight hours of my day were made brighter because I got to spend 60 seconds with someone who understood how my heart beats.

Beetles often times give me a fright because one of the places I lived was full of big, giant granddaddy beetles. Always making sounds and looking like roaches. 

However, in the instant I learned how life goes from present to past, a part of me froze.

------Side note: I always save bugs because they are small and don't drive cars that move fast.

I've stayed densely frozen and have begged life to leave me here. In one instant, a picture, a sentence, a face can allow so much pain to creep in your four chambered heart. But, also, we must remember, there is always a following instant. Instances of joy and relief.

I spend all day with people who are having some of the worst days of their life. Sick, sick people. If you ever want to feel grateful for the body you are in or the health you receive, work in a hospital. I'm constantly overwhelmed with the happiness I am given from people who haven't but a short time to be on earth. 

Instead of letting your heart feel burdened by the what ifs, the should haves or the why nots.......remember the tomorrows. the hugs from those who appreciate your presence. the deep down goodness and honesty that is all around us. 

Mostly, live right now and appreciate the people who show you genuine kindness. Personally, I feel that's the most precious gift we can give.

I wrote this for my mom's memorial and decided it meshed well with my thoughts I scribbled above.....

One day while I was in 1^st grade, I was certain I had convinced my teacher that I was having a medical emergency and was going to need my mom to come pick me up immediately. To my dismay, my teacher knew better than to send me to the office because unfortunately, I forgot I had described the same outlandish medical emergency earlier that same week. 

Growing up, my mom and I were inseparable.  My family loves to remind me of the incessant crying my eyes did as a baby. They say things like, “Cortney, you cried and cried unless your mom was holding you. No one else could hold you. You only wanted your mom, and you wanted her always.” All babies need their moms and crave their touch. I guess I just needed it a little bit more than others.

            Moms are like super heroes; you never expect them to need help because they are always spending their time helping their kids and everyone else who they encounter. Seeing my mom in a position to need a great deal of help has been extremely difficult for me. My mom struggled with chronic depression and addiction for most of her short life.  She never granted herself the time to get real help because she was too busy trying to help me, my family, and anyone else she came in contact with who needed anything. Her heart was always invested in making life easier for someone else.

            When I was little, I found stray dogs better than I could do most anything. I would sneak my dog’s food in my backpack and make sure I fed my new little buddies so they wouldn’t starve. My mom knew what I was doing, but didn’t want my dad to get upset with me for giving out our dog food, so she told me to try and ration what I was giving to the lost dogs. My mom always supported my deep desires to care for all animals, even if it was a hot worm on the concrete that needed water splashed on him.

            I remember my brother and I going through our closets and toys multiple times a year because my mom taught us to always give to the kids who aren’t as fortunate as we were. One Christmas I got a Donkey Kong, lime green edition Nintendo and thought it wasn’t ever possible for something better to ever happen to me.  A few weeks later, my mom and I were at the mall and we saw a truck filling up with toys to deliver to a shelter for kids who didn’t get anything for Christmas. When I told my mom I wanted to give my lime green Nintendo to a little kid who didn’t get one, my mom was so proud of me.  It felt good for my mom to be proud of me.

            When I was 16, my mom and I decided to let the boys eat her specialty, pizza meat, for dinner, and we would go eat at I Hop. We arrived at the restaurant and were seated to find ourselves being greeted by a very pregnant waitress. After sitting and eating, we had talked to the waitress a while and found out she didn’t have any family she was in touch with, but her co-worker was throwing her a baby shower and ,if we wanted, we could come as her guests. Let me remind you, we didn’t know anything about this girl besides what she told us as she served us pancakes at I Hop. As the girl reached in her pocket to get a pen to write down the baby shower information, we noticed her pants were non maternity and were completely ripped and barely capable of being pants. My mom felt so sad for the girl but didn’t know what to do for her. When we left, mom left her a nice cash tip with a note, “buy yourself a pretty new outfit so you’ll have something special to wear to your baby shower”.  My mom taught me how to look out for the needs of other people and always, always, always be as kind as possible.

            As a child, I told my mom that when I grew up I wanted to work at Genos Pizza and toss pizzas all day. She responded, “I thought you wanted to be an animal doctor?” I told her that I could also toss pizzas. She told me that if I went to college and decided I still wanted to work at Genos, I could. My mom told me I needed to make sure I was happy and if I was happy working at a pizza place, then that’s what I should do. Years later, I decided I should do something besides hang out at Genos (even thought I find myself there multiple times a week) all day and get a more long-term job. My mom was so proud of me when I graduated and even more proud when she saw how happy the work I do makes me. Seeing my mom proud and happy has always been an overwhelmingly good feeling.

When I was little, my mom loved to read Shell Silverstein poems to my brother and me. Some of the first words I ever read were from the book “Where the Sidewalk Ends”. As I looked back through this book, I came across one of my favorites, one my mom liked to read.

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
      Listen to the DON'TS
      Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WONT'S
      Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
      Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.