Perspectives: Take 2!

Isn't it neat how we were all, at one time, cute little babies who had NO idea where our lives would lead us? I think it's one of the coolest parts about being human. . .we all, every single one of us, have our very own story. It's OURS. No one can take it from us. 


We are our story. Every. single. bit of it.


We get to decide who we will be, what we will do, the lives we will help by sharing our story, the beliefs we will have about ourselves, etc. etc. etc. I definitely believe that the Big Man upstairs has the ultimate "deciding" about our lives; however, as humans, we have the willpower to make choices. The thousands of people we know/have known/wish-we-didn't-know (heh), what we have seen, what we have felt, all of these such experiences cultivate inside us and give us meaning. define who we are. allow us to love and be thankful for what we have. Experience is what makes us interesting. 


My first day in the nursing home was phenomenal. 


The theme of my life's experiences today: compassion. 


-Love.


 real. true. graceful.  beyond measures- beyond understanding .....love, the kind that we all deserve....regardless of pasts, mistakes, poor relationships, bla bla bla bla bla. LOVE. we need it to survive.


I met a husband and wife (in their 80's)today who have made an incredible impact on my story. The husband is very ill and not able to live independent of long-term care. He is able to do many things with min assistance, but is very weak and doesn't have a great prognosis. 


however.


His beautiful wife has been there every step of the way. She stays with him, read to him, feeds him, talks sports with him, kisses him on the forehead and tells him that she loves him. no matter what. He apologizes to her on a regular basis for putting her through this "hassle", but she whispers... stop. i love you.


I am not a corny, sappy person. Truth be told, I am not a big believer of this thing called love. (between humans. my dogs are a completely different story). I have allowed the less than ideal people who have been in my life to challenge my belief in something that is said to be a basic, human need. Well. Until today. If I am 80 years old before I experience someone who can love me, regardless of the "hassle" of my -story-....well...then that will be just fine. What a blessing compassionate people are, and always have been for me.


Phewwwww, breath of fresh air! I love today. 




Goodnight:)

Perspective “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”

Perspective:
1 a. A view or vista.
b. A mental view or outlook


2 a. The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole
b. Subjective evaluation of relative significance; a point of view
c. The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the difference between my "perspective", reality, and the perspective of the people I find myself around. Isn't it something how we ALL look at the exact same situations, people, things, and places*, but our perceptions are all so uniquely different? 

A beautiful rainbow: sign of hope to some, a sign of disaster, gloom, and death to another. 

A lovely Thanksgiving meal: Lots of food, family, and happy celebration to some..or an overwhelming, out-of-control food smorgoshboard, drunk mother who can't stand up to pray, "it's Thanksgiving, can't you just get over this for one day and eat?" comments to others.

It's all about who we are. why we are. where we come from. who's been there. who's not. what we feel....then, what we see. 

"Grey area" should really be referred to as NO area because for me; I feel most comfortable in the blackest of black, or white white white. If you want grey, go find my old crayon boxes and search for the color that has NEVER been used. And what gets me most, is that even though I don't WANT To be this way...trying to change the way I think is just about as easy as getting my little weenier dogs to laugh at my jokes. 

“You can't see the world from somebody else's point of view and not be changed.”

When I am really upset, stuck inside my mind (why there isn't a "STAY OUT! UNDER CONSTRUCTION!" sign on my brain, I am still unsure), or just feel out-of-sorts, I force myself to do something..anything..for someone else (a NICE thing, y'all).

- - - One of my friends had really horrible finals recently, and so I thought, "what would I want someone to do for me when I am stressed ((you know, where I currently was))?" Unfortunately, this friend is a male, and if I would have dropped off a pair of fancy shoes, outfit for his dog, or new nail polish at this house, he would have been offended. So. Plan B. Food. Chocolate. Lots. of. chocolate. I went to a bakery and got him a piece of cake and a card (one time, I got a card from a boy just saying how thankful he was for my friendship, etc, and bc of this, I will NEVER underestimate the power of words on a store-bought, overpriced, piece of paper). 

- - -I don't know what it did for him, but it sure made my day better. See, my perspective of how people DO care about other people was temporarily changed because I told my nagging, self-doubting thoughts to take a short hike and let me feel joyFUL. and. I did. 

in about 4 hours, I leave Conway to head to Fort Smith for two weeks. this is another one of those situations where there's completely different reactions for different people. I don't "hate" Fort Smith because it's dirty, boring, and lame. I DESPISE Fort Smith because I let it resemble the life I desperately try to run away from....but I continue to live because I am scared to let go of what was and be left with new, wonderful, opportunities to re-make challenges into a new life.  Waaawaaawaaa. Fort Smith, my biggest obstacle. map dot of get-me-the-hell-out-of-here. 

Remember perspective? 

I will be in Fort Smith (not by choice) but because I was assigned to work at a nursing home for 2 weeks for my OT clinicals. Outlook: I am very excited about getting to learn from this new setting and meet new friends (the elderly are my favorite people on earth). Outlookthatsucksbutican'tstopit: I am about to be forced to relive feelings, moments, and thoughts that I have hide inside my journals (the pen and paper type...not the public domain.coms :) ) and refused to re-visit (which I am told is necessary to ever get over them, waawaawaa). I am terrified. I never cry..and I have cried just thinking about my "reality" of the next 2 weeks. Go ahead, question why I would publicly address these fears, how living somewhere for 2 weeks could really be that bad, and why I am so worried about something that could be a "great opportunity"?

-"if you don't do well on these 2 weeks, you are moving home for your summer"

-"you are going to be in a wheel chair by the end of the year and wishing you would listen to me when I tell you that your legs aren't as big as they used to be..so stop running"

-"everyone knows you have something wrong with you....don't lie to yourself"

-"so, has your doctor decided to quit seeing you yet? everyone else has given up on you...even your friends. take ____for example. i'm sure she's so sick of you."

-"You are just like your mother. She doesn't have much longer, and you probably have even less time if you don't get your head on your shoulders"

-"Take care of yourself over these next two weeks. I know you are scared about being back in Fort Smith. Don't let all of this schooling I've paid for go to waste. . .you know this is your last chance."

These are the things I tell myself everyday because I hear them everyday. 

Here's my perspective: 

I am scared shitless of screwing up even more than I already have. I can't hide. I can't run. I am about to go head-first into my personal hell (because I continue to allow myself to feel this way about it). I don't want to keep wasting my life because I am scared. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be around people who tell me I am hopeless. I am NOT hopeless. I want to do great things...not just for other people..but for me. 

I've fought and beaten this battle before. . . please don't get in my way this time :)

“Don't give up on the plant that looks dead... it may be that 

it's just not yet in season.” 

---here we go.....

Like a big chocolate cake, we all rise when placed in the right state-of-mind :)

You know when you are really struggling with something and you know you have two options: one, to let your self shatter into a million pieces and believe you are a lost cause..or  two, force yourself to hold it together and tell yourself 100 times a day that you ARE here for a reason and the things that are causing you so much pain will eventually teach you something..somehow. . . . .

I met a young man in class a few weeks ago who was in a tragic accident 2 years ago ("Hangman's injury--head was decapitated and miraculously survived).  He (Robert) was told he would only be able to blink..no other movements, communication, or cognitive function. After spending 2 years in OT school, I have learned a lot about how certain injuries affect your body's ability to recuperate and therefore how to help those who have injuries, such as Robert's, who will "never have independence again". 

The morning I met Robert, I woke up and made the decision I was never going to get anywhere with my "recovery" and it would be so much more freeing if I just* continued doing what I have been doing for 80% of my life and see how much longer I can make it on my own.  I have been emotionally hungover for a long time, and that particular day it was especially difficult to snap out of it. 

 The human spirit is the most phenomenal thing I've ever experienced; Take Robert, for example. He is working his butt off to become functional and live LIFE regardless of his circumstances. He fights for his life and doesn't take it fore granted....something I have a very difficult time doing.  If i don't kick ass and love myself, I will of course stay stuck and without hope....lesson #549,463,535.

I happened to run into Robert and some of his friends at the trail I run at and after thirty minutes of talking with him, I had one of those "God moments". My osteoporosis is acting up and despite being told not to run, I have been doing just that. Being careless with my body has become a nasty habit that I'm slowly starting to realize.  As I stood next to Robert I remembered the immense blessing I have (functioning body) like I never have before. I stood there with bruises and pain because I continue to choose to hurt my body instead of ask for help and therefore respect my body's needs. This all happened a week ago and I am trying so hard to keep these feelings stored in my head, and remember how hard I have worked to get my entire body in a place that I could function outside of a hospital bed. 

And so to conclude, I'll remind myself and anyone who read this..... "you gotta keep on keepin' on...no matter what"

BLESSINGS:)

Cortney

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvCi6ZWL7r4&feature=player_embedded   (Robert's story--AWESOME!)