Blue Bell's Birthday Cake ice cream. When I was in my senior year of high school, my mom would buy three half gallons of this at a time. It was dinner many nights...gotta get those calories somehow...why not eat something that provides all the essential nutrients?! (sugar, milk, and chocolate). This stuff only comes out once a year these days, and my heart glows every time I get to reach in the freezer and joyfully reach for the brown rimmed, half gallon container of pure bliss. I remember my nutritionist at Children's hospital was ecstatic when she would see this stuff in my food journals. You'd have thought I had found Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket from the glee she got from looking at my blue bell dinner entries. So, I still give this tantalizing punch of dairy greatness kudos in my journey to overcoming obstacles, stepping out on a scary limb, taking a deep breath, and dominating fears....all that from ice cream? um, absolutely.
" You have to press against the pressure that's pressing against you."-Joyce Meyer
When I'm upset at myself, someone else, or a situation, I find myself automatically saying, "and so is life"...I have not a clue where I got this from, but it helps. I get so overwhelmed with people and how I allow myself to respond to hurtful things they do. Lately, I find peace in writing about it-I cannot wait to use all of my stories and perceptions to write a book...read: you better hope you aren't a cotton-headed ninny, bc i will use your real name ;) - I am a sensitive girl. I've even been labeled a "door mat" before. . .and, damn it, that just sounds terrible and feels even worse. I get it, it's not "healthy" to forgive without learning the lesson, jump from person to person begging for acceptance..when really, if we'd accept ourselves, we wouldn't break so easily, or make ourselves miserable because we have made foolish decisions. Hark! No one other human being is capable of mending our hearts....even if they are responsible for the broken pieces. WAIT! what!? I don't think this is fair and I find myself battling against the realities of it often. File under: running into brick walls one after the other, after the other, after forgetting that I am not superman.
I fight SO hard to get what I want. (want never seems to equal need these past few years...WHY!?) I am not a compromiseR. I like to think I have written out my life's story and I should choose how it flows. Unfortunately (well, for my human brain), I am so trapped in the wrong life story...and keep throwing punches because I am not getting what I want, when I want it, with who I want it. "Let gooooo" is my family's favorite line to recite to me. My favorite response: "I'm FINE...and so why would I let go?!" haha. Silly me.
"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong." -Thomas Carlyle
I've decided the people of my past that continue to take big o bites of my heart (rude.) are all having identity crisis-es simultaneously...which is really NOT thoughtful of them. I've played around with the images of them as junk yard dogs, dinosaurs with spiked collars, or even big, bad wolves without a little red riding hood. Whatever it is, I am trying so hard to forgive them. To accept what is done is done...but you know...it's terribly difficult. I remind myself that I hope people that I have wronged in my life pray for me, forgive me, and hope the best for my future. . . so I need to do the same. Code words: faith, hope, perserverance.
Blessings in and out of disguise
1. Freedom, safety, individuality..AMERICA. 9/11/01*
2. Terrible singing voice (for karaoke success)
3. Rocky path...gotta lead somewhere better :)
4. Dysfunctional relationships that are unrepairable. See ya later you big, mean triceratops.
5. ice cubes.
Goodnight
:)
