forgetaboutit is my favorite.

"We do not experience enjoyment, joy, interest, or excitement all of the time, any more than we continuously experience any of the negative affects. Both positive and negative affects are part of humanness, and the positive emotions we experience that create happiness are differently important than the negative ones from which we can learn." -Psychology Today, some day in the last week.

How many times have you found yourself saying, "I would just never do that to someone...I don't understand how they could?!"

I recently threw a pity party for myself...a non-stop, invite your neighbor's sister's pen pal kind of party.

 yea, i said a party. for a noun that can't even jump around and dance or sing karaoke. The noun?

Feelings (that sounds lame, but I am going to leave it). I gave feelings, hurt ones, a party. I even created a theme for the party. "It's you. not them."

 (haha, silly bear)

As of late, I have pushed myself to embrace as much of the positive, happy, happy, joy, joy things going on in my life. Lay in my bed and tell my sweet dachshund angel about the great things I have been given. I like to write them on my mirror. For complaints I make, I think of something good to replace it (when I feel like being proactive, that is). Today, I caught myself telling a friend that my eyes have always looked dreadful. "I hate when someone asks me if I am sick because of my puffy and black under my eyes are!" Then I immediately caught that I had just wasted 25 seconds complaining instead of being grateful...so I hurried and spouted out, "no! wait. I love my eyes! I can see I am so happy I can see!" Thankfully, this friend knows me well and knows I am making an attempt to spend my time uninviting myself to my own pity parties.

You know when someone tells you something that you can't remove from your memory? It just digs away at you. Everything finds a way to remind you of their belief regarding you? 

I don't know you like I know me. You don't know me like you know you. 

Another theme of party I throw for myself is that of "if you only knew".

My feelings get so involved with placing themselves places they do not belong. Like, wondering why someone would say something to me that they knew would ultimately cause me to feel lousy. 

Options:

Said people are...

1. Aphasic. 

2. Without animal/pet so they are miserable.

3. Human beings.

I make "whywouldthey" stew and let it sit for days in my mind. (I am craving soup, notice?) 

 "Whoever said revenge is sweet never tasted the yumminess of fortgetaboutit."

Dog name tags

pie crust 

shampoo and condition isles

piano players

peaches in a can

Instead of wondering why people do what they do....and never fully understanding.... I think I'll attempt to tend to one of the 902 happy things running through my mind (most of which center around dogs and possibly ice cream).

I'll try and remember that just because things don't happen as and when I want them to, doesn't mean I am doomed and deserve parties with senseless themes. (unless the theme just so happens to be prehistoric animals and or world maps).

Probably I should remind myself of what Ramona Quimby's dad taught me in one of her books...

"Fool you once, shame on him/her. Fool you twice, shame on you."  (oh how i loved those books)

Trust yourself and do what you love...unless you love to eat raisins because they are gross and I wish they would quit making them. 

:)

Oh, the random list of items below the picture of Alice are just a few things I am so so happy I have. #ADDhiiiyaaa!

I told myself, says I....that me love you, life.

I sat next to a man today as he took his last breaths. . horribly scary breaths.

 I never got to ask him what his favorite color was. I always ask people I am interested in what their favorite color is.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." -Maya Angelou

He had on blue. I wonder if that was his favorite color. Or was it what his wife picked out for him to wear.

One thing after another. And then something else, but wait, there's more. And then something else. It's always something.

Always, we always have time to battle the worries that take up space in all four lobes of our brains.
"my legs look disgustingly huge" = I am not ever going to feel safe inside my own body
"I will  never be as pretty as her" = I am not compatible with beauty and will be alone forever
"I said something to upset them" = I am in control of other's feelings and am the source of their pain

I make time to worry. It's like I unconsciously have filled out a planner and penciled in time to worry about all the things I am lacking. the things that I don't have that if I did have would make me a better person. I start worrying that I am worrying too much. That someone's going to notice. Tell me I am selfish because I am so worried about myself. how I affect others. how others see me.

Blue. It was the color his face was before it turned beat red. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he knew how every single soul in that gym was reaching out to him. Hoping to ease his pain. To protect him from fear. His soul left his body when he lay flat on a blue mat. Blue. It's how the people who saw him lose his life feel tonight. Life was stopped mid sentence...just like that.

I like yellow. it's my favorite. When I was little, my brother would give me the yellow and orange starburst but not share the rest. I felt sad for those little orange and yellow candies because no one wanted them... they were always the last choices. So, I decided yellow was my favorite color and orange my second favorite. I always get to be the yellow game piece in board games because no one chooses yellow then, either. I was so excited when Coldplay wrote the song, Yellow. What a fabulous idea.

As I sat in something more than shock, watching this man lose his earthly life, I couldn't catch my own breath. I looked at my 87 year old friend I was trying to protect from seeing the fellow man lose his life and we both were completely unsure what to do. So we did nothing. I put my hand on his hand and he grabbed my hand. We were both experiencing something our hearts will never forget. Life. As it was leaving one man's body, we continued to have beating...pounding..hearts that carried our life.

I have been completely unable to push through the battles in my head lately. Just been sitting with them. Hosting dinner parties for them, more or less. Giving up hope. Telling myself my hopes were mere fantasies. That the hurtful things that have been said to me are all well deserved. That I was inevitably going to remain stuck. Why not? It's much easier to believe falsities than fight for the truth..especially when you have people blasting hurtful messages your way.

but......being blue doesn't help anyone. Especially you.

So, we have this life. just one of them.

and instead of spending our time worrying about what's not just how we wish it was....maybe we should spend that time using our entire hearts to protect our minds from worrying...by spending that time doing things to promote living.

so thankful to be given life. My life.

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"-Bob Marley 

Blessings<3
Cortney