*Inner Beauty: An Untarnishable and permanent truth.

“That's how powerful you are, girl...You pretty, but pretty alone is not what people see. 

You the kinda pretty, the kinda beauty, that's like a mirror. Men and women see themselves in you, only now they so beautiful that they can't bear to see you go.” 

― Walter Mosley, The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey

Last semester, I had to develop a 
"community project" for a class (occupational therapy school) that was centered around  creating/increasing opportunities for people or groups of people to enhance their occupations (not job...anything from leisure activities to self-care) and functionality. 

-A Few weeks ago, I did a "pilot study" of my program with some classmates who were also interested in doing my project (and were phenomenal!). We worked with 7 year olds at the local Boys and Girls club and the activity was called "I am beautiful because...." I made a poster that said this and after talking to the ladies about self esteem, and what "feeling beautiful" meant, they each got a post it and wrote why they were beautiful. After they were done, each one came up in front of the group, read their post it, and put it on the poster. Let me tell you, I teared up watching these precious girls announce to their peers why their were "beautiful". My most supreme hope, goal, desire, wish, what have you, in this life is to promote healthy self esteem and help give someone the courage to accept that they are worth being loved/cared for...no matter what has happened to them. Hearing those girls read that they were beautiful because ....of their hearts, they loved their parents, took care of their dog, they were nice to their friends, cared about others, etc., stirred up an indescribable feeling in my heart. Not one of them said, "because I am pretty, because I am skinny, because I have long hair....." nothing physical. When I first started talking to them, I asked if they knew was self esteem and confidence was. One girl raised her hand and said, "we are only 7!!!!" I was somewhat discouraged at first because i thought they might be too young to grasp what "inner beauty" was. However, after an hour of activities and explanations, these girls got it. They absolutely got it. I am in love with the idea of creating a program that is geared towards saving a little girl's/boy's heart from the torment, fears, frustrations, aches, and complete terror that comes from abuse...that so often times leads to...hell on earth  AKA an eating disorder.  

It's no surprise, that when googling "beauty" you are going to get back an abundance of pictures of flawless faces and bodies. .Welcome to the American media and it's portrayal of beauty...aka physical perfection.

P.S watch this
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

Inner Beauty: 

While Outer Beauty is but a temporary and
fleeting illusion, Inner Beauty is an Untarnishable and permanent Truth. It is the purest expression of Beauty that the soul has to offer.

little insight into occupational therapy and its correlation to one's *beauty*....

Occupational therapy focuses on enabling people to participate in meaningful and purposeful activities of daily life. An individual’s “occupation” is any activity that occupies her time. When a person struggles with an eating disorder, the prior healthy roles/occupations fade; their primary occupation becomes the eating disorder and the many rituals and behaviors required to maintain it.  Previous occupations such as socializing with friends, participating in favorite leisure activities, volunteering, sharing time with family, and engaging in work or school, gradually fade until there is a severe lack of balance and the only focus of their day is the eating disorder. OT helps individuals with eating disorders reestablish these previous healthy occupations and the life balance they once had.

Statistics that must be changed 

-The number one magic wish for young girls age 11-17 is to be thinner.

-Young girls are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of nuclear war, cancer, or losing their parents.

B E A U T Y

Ideals of beauty are a constantly changing product of culture, religion, visual appeal, genetic response, marketing, and social mores. Historically and presently, those whose appearance is out of step with some perceived norm, which is usually defined by the majority or those in power, suffer discrimination. Those who have felt that their appearance (whether a result of age or genetic endowment) is unattractive or otherwise limits their options sometimes resort to extreme and potentially dangerous procedures to modify their appearance. -Wed MD article

"Your adornment must not be merely external...but let it be the hidden person of the heart..."- I Peter 3:3-4

"Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast...and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential."
-Epictetus

Love this post, I do :)

-Cortney

"What the people need..is a way to make 'em smile:)"

My first concert was the Boss, aka Bruce Springsteen, when I was 13. 

When I was learning to 

walk, my dad played primarily Tom Petty because I always got up and moved to the music...and eventually took steps. As I got a little older and was developing coordination skills (lacking), my

 favorite songs were: 1. Runaway Train -Soul Asylum 2. Dancing On The Ceiling -Lionel Richie. 

Music--GOOD--music has always been a major part of my life. My dad knows the year, title, album name, and band name of most all classic rock music. . and always tried to get me to do the same. However, I never really cared (still don't) about that; I just want to listen to the amazing lyrics, 

 beat, instruments, etc that come alone with.... *good* music. 

When I think of ways to make me smile, I obviously think of music. Music is the doctor, no doubt. I feel bad for people who admit (ah, terrible) to never hearing Bad Company, Creedance Clearwater Revival (original CCR,yep), or 38 Special. HOW is this possible?! It makes me heart smile extra 

big when the 7 year old I babysit (Anna, my mini me bff) sings to a Rolling Stones song she has 

heard while going somewhere with me....bless her young heart, it's the only way to start out and she is such a little diva :)

I can't stand silence. It makes my head hurt. I love background music. I might be in the middle of doing something, but if a good song comes on....I am up, dancing, singing until my lungs beg for air, and *smiling* the entire time. Unless I fall off a table (it happens), and then I am momentarily

 dazed....and you got it.... confused. :)

Everything I love, involves words. I think words are just a phenomenal thing. Adjectives, 

especially.  (Isn't it weird how adjectives are actually nouns....but also adjectives?! If you are 

wondering, I think it's pretty neat). Writing, as you are probably learning, is the most peaceful

 thing for me to do....while listening to music, that is. Currently, I am listening to "Shattered" -Rolling Stones. . .wait, now its's "Dreams" -The Cranberries. I can't pay attention to a TV show for very long....I get bored (unless it's the news or something about murder, drugs, psychology, or dogs....

is that weird? -nope!). 

Besides music, dogs, and ice cream..... making things is my favorite.

I used to make jewelry...alllll the time. I loaned all of my supplies to my 

mom when she was in the hospital for a long time, and some ladies stole them. How sweet, right? 

I had 5 tackle boxes full of different colored/textured/what have you beads. Spend countless 

hours making things. When I lived in Arizona, I had all of my stuff with me. . on Saturdays, some of

my friends and I would gather in the living room of our house and would complain about any non

sense that was happening (group of teenage girls, we always had something to say!) and just 

thread beads through string....and it made everyone happier. One day, my friend Abby wasn't 

paying attention, and knocked a couple of the boxes over...and thousandssss of beads went everywhere. Did I panic? YES. However, it was almost as therapeutic picking up each bead and organzing them as it was to make jewelry (ha). Abby was always trying to imitate my "Accent"(she was from wayy up north and said it was "cute"), dress like me, do her pony tail/knot/bun like mine, and even walk like I did (might have had a little limp from an accident...haha). I always thought she was making fun of me. I did not like it. It hurt my feelings. Until, the day she knocked my beads over. I was about to burst into tears about losing all the beads, until Abby said "oh Noooo!!! I am Soooo sorry, CortnAY!" in the most artificial Arkansas accent I do believe I've ever heard. it was 

HILAROIUS. I don't know why that was our bonding moment, but it was.

And branching off from beads into the next section of my thought process...

 For a week straight, several of us spent hours a day on the ground picking up teeeny tiny beads. I didn't even care about my beads. I was so happy to know she wasn't making fun of me. She actually just liked me....and wanted to be like me. wow, that was quite a revelation. I hated so much that I spent months disliking someone...who was just trying to be my friend....but all I could see was

 my own insecurities within myself. 

It's so crazy how we really do get most irritated with others when they do some of the same things we do, but we don't want to recognize our faults in doing these things...only others. Abby was so funny. talked allll the time. laughed really loud, but always contagious. she hated raisins (me too). she never did her hair because she just didn't care about impressing anyone. she loved her family. she was athletic. I wanted to be just like Abby. It irritated me so much that I couldn't be. When she tried to be like me, I thought she had lost her mind, because obviously she was much cooler than I. Abby was a very unhappy person. She was sick. very sick. Didn't listen to what anyone told her 

to do to get her health back. Took matters into her own hands. Rebelled against her faith, friends, 

and family. We talked and thought it was so funny that we each spend months so envious of each other...that we never got to really know each other. So is life. Abby and I were very similar and it

took me a long time to realize and accept that I should embrace those exact qualities in her..that I had, too. We learn to be happy with ourselves from within....but the people and places we take ourselves strongly impact our happiness. We learn who we are through the decisions we make, the

 people we choose to keep in our lives, the ones we let go, and the hopes we strive to reach. 

I had a rough morning. Mornings like today remind me of Abby. In 2006, after years of struggling, Abby died. She was only 19. I strongly believe that other people's lives are meant to be 

testimonies. Whether they are living or gone, their life has a message and we are all supposed to

 learn from it. Abby, was a firecracker. . .but was too unhappy with herself to love herself. I know Abby's life had a purpose on Earth...and it continues to, even though she's in Heaven.

Take a minute to love yourself. Do things that bring you joy. You deserve it :)

"You will quickly realize that peace finds its way much more easily to you when you smile"

Well I know, you know better
Everything I say
Meet me in the country for a day
We'll be happy
And we'll dance
Oh, we're gonna dance our blues away
And if I'm feelin' good to you
And you're feelin' good to me
There ain't nothin' we can't do or say
Feelin' good, feeling fine
Oh, baby, let the music play 

Oh, oh, listen to the music

"Listen to the Music" -The Doobie Brothers ----


-Cortney

*Whatever You Fight, You Strengthen, and What You Resist, Persists*

It's Wednesday. .and to my Nannie, that meant "Ladies day" at the casino buffet. Even though she would only eat a small salad, fruit, sweet potato (swore buffets had the best), bites of my papaw's lunch, and maybe a sugar-free piece of cake (diabetic), she loved going to eat lunch in Helena or Tunica. Wednesday nights I always talked to her and heard about who won $, what was best on the buffet, and that she has been laying on the couch since they got home. Even though I know she is having a "ladies day" every single day in Heaven,  I am struggling so much to accept that Wednesdays...aren't Wednesdays anymore. 

"When you come to the end of all the light that you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."

I took my first kickboxing class tonight...and let me tell you...I have not a fighting muscle in my body. Physically, I would like to be able to smash a bad guy in the face, put him in the sleeper hold, and then drag him off into a swamp and then let the police people get him there. I have this weird self esteem thing where I think I am bigger, stronger, and meaner than anyone who would try to hurt me...because why would I let myself believe I was physically AND emotionally weak? Not happening. Because I am not.  However, I'm learning that without emotional (waawaa get over it if you are weirded out by emotions or talk of them) strength, boundaries, and balance one can never become "strong" in any sense. If we go through the process (long o journey) of acclimating ourselves with who we are, what we stand for, and what we believe, then we can gain the strength it takes to overcome any obstacle. .

Even the seemingly impossible obstacle of accepting that you have to be okay even though you no longer have the woman who was your everything because it was her time to go to Heaven.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." 

I get very distracted with the world: the problems I create for myself. the lies other people say, and I believe. the lies i say to myself, and I believe. false friends. hateful comments. people misunderstanding my reality. me misunderstanding people's reality.

"Patience with ourselves"...what a lovely idea. Allowing ourselves to actually "go through" feelings and not bypass them and believe that we "got over" something that, consequently, we have merely brushed aside. 

Today is Wednesday, June 6, 2012. Even though I don't have my grandmother around anymore to remind me to keep my head up, do what I know is best, and listen to people who matter....doesn't mean I can allow myself to forgot those things. 

Must. Push. On. 

*My papaw called me today and asked if I wore a size 7 shoe (no) because nannie had about 15 pair of shoes that had never been worn (what a great woman!) and he wanted someone to wear them. My nannie LOVED sketchers. . but called them "skeeters". . and always wanted me to know how comfortable they are. Well, maybe I'll have to try some skeeters out next time i am needing some kicks.

:)

Blessings y'all!

cortney

American flag fanny pack the 4th of July 2011, check! <3

"I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette."

Here's the deal. I am not bitter about the "bad relationships" I've been in. I am not mad at the people who have hurt me because they knew they could. I am tired of allowing myself to feel those things. It's truly been a waste of time, emotions, and thoughts. I was sitting in church this morning thinking about someone who has recently stabbed me right where they knew it would hurt the worst....over. and over. Right after comments would be said, I found myself wanting to scream, cry, yell, or all of the above. I never did any of those things. I held it in. I told myself that maybe they were right. Maybe I didn't have any courage. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I was....just too much. 


but alas!


After several "episodes" of being told these things...by someone else..and then consequently by myself...I decided to do something about it.


It took a while, but I realized...how sad this person must be. How much they dislike them self. How jealous they were of my ridiculously fabulous dog family. 


So.


I decided every time the thoughts this person pushed even deeper into my mind came up, I would send positive vibes (yaaa mannn) their way. Tell myself that just because they decided to use my down falls against me, I couldn't continue to allow myself to do the same thing to myself...or to them. Where was it getting me? 


(Besides wal mart buying cucumbers to put under my eyes to de-puff those suckers)


When I was in Florida, a lady who worked at the place I lived was pretty on target when it came to relationships. She told me to make a list. a long list. of the qualities/etc that I wanted and NEEDED in a dude (a man, whatever). That was five years ago. I have never made this list...or really even thought about it. What does that make me? A giant chicken whos not had a head for years...and continues to wonder WHY does no one work out to my expectations? 


wait.


Expectations? Like......that they are going to end up being some ex convict who hurts puppies and steals ice cream from kids....?! Haha, seriously, my "picker" has not only been broken, but obviously absent...for some time. 


Don't let me fool you, not all of the bros I've dated are awful. Actually, some are still my pals....and were more "there for me" during this time of coping with the loss of my nannie...than my "friends". Who knew?


Now, after ranting and raving, it's time.


the LIST!


1. If you have a dog, it's understood that my dogs are of top priority...even though we will accept and love your Fiddo.
2. If you are an LSU fan, you will be asked to keep your Tiger gear out of site...unless it's at a bonfire :)
3. You must love ice cream...It's really boring sitting at a table and eating an entire carton alone.
4. My grandfather is more handsome, sweeter, more generous, understanding than you are. Deal with it.
5. Cats scare me..and you scare me if you have one. 
6. Chewing tobacco is for 1950s baseball players...only. that is GROSS
7. I am going to say/do REALLY embarrassing things. Don't be rude.
8. If you don't think talking about bloody surgeries, injuries/etc is neat...well, don't spoil it for me.
9. I don't care that you work out 2x a day and are gonna gain ___lbs of muscle. Seriously. That makes me think you are also judging my body all the time. Just entertain me with more important things. like..a trip to sea world. 
10. If Anderson Cooper or Tom Petty become available and want to marry me...they are kind of shoe ins...sorry :)




random post.....but hey, i planned my life with a guy who's name I don't even know today. He was at a 45 degree angle to me in church, and it was really a neat experience..for me. Weirdo? No. Optimist? Getting there :)




Have a great Sunday, friends!


Cortney

I think of you....and I'm not afraid.

'What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

 

Besides the hats on each rail of her bed, and other hat/purse stand, she has these. My nannie's winter hats are my favorite. Stylish, she was---beautiful she will always remain. (Note the Las Vegas coin purse and American flag fanny pack she had for her quarters at the casino). I love her.

My grandmother had a massive stroke in her sleep, stayed in a coma for a day, and left us for Heaven this morning about 6 a.m. She wasn't sick nor did she have any symptoms to trigger alert. She just left, quietly and without any pain...and went Home. I love you, Nannie.

If you follow my blog or know me very well, you are aware that my grandmother was more than a grandparent to me. She was my strength, courage, source of love, and did everything for me. My nannie and papaw have gone above and beyong their role of "grandparents". Sure, they spoiled me with gifts, cards, and love..but our relationship was very different. My life has been not so average, and if it weren't for my nannie and papaw, it would hvae been no life at all. I wasn't physically living with them my entire life, but emotionally and spiritually, they have shaped me into who I am. Thank you, nannie and papaw.

When I was 11/12, my grandparents are the ones who told my parents "something isn't right..Cort won't eat pancakes and sausage (ha)". No one did anything for a couple years, but if it weren't for my grandmother's ability to say whatever she was feeling and not always think ahead (bless her sweet heart), no one would have recognized something wasn't right. I love them.

My first shopping memories come from being with my nannie, cousin Beth, Aunt Julie, and a strip mall in DeWitt. Let me tell you girls, if you think rompers are cute now....you should have seen them 20 years ago. Shopping with nannie was the best way to boost your confidence (maybe not at 5, but when I was older). "Oh Cort! This is just DARLING! you have to get it." I loved those words :) When I was 13, my nannie picked me out a cute little Tommy Hilfiger sweater (hollaaa TH!), but bought it for a child who was a size 6. "Oh dear! I knew you were small, but I guess I got confused on how small!" We all got a big laugh out of this sweater. I love her.

 After seeing my family doctor off and on for weight loss/etc since I was about 9,  I was 14 and started having heart problems. After going to local doctors and just avoiding the enivitable, my grandparents told my parents to go ahead and send me to a specialist (Dr. Portilla, one of the best women that will ever live) in Little Rock and see what was going on with me. I went kicking and screaming, but i went. I was very resentful towards my grandparents for encouraging this for a long time. I thought they were mad at me and I didn't know how to change..and I wanted to so badly.

My nannie and papaw came up to Little Rock for my first appointment with the doctor, expecting to meet up and go eat lunch, talk about how i was going to get all better, and go home. Well, unbeknownst to me, I was sick. I was sent right to Children's Hospital for several weeks. Nannie and Papaw were my first visitors. Papaw wrote me e-mails. Nannie mailed me cards and flowers. No one knew what to do. People would ask what was wrong with me. why wouldn't i just eat. why couldn't i get over this and get home. You know what my nannie said? "This hospital room is awfully boring....brought you some company"....she brought me several stuffed pigs (*love pigs) and told me to talk to them when I was sad. Simple as that. She knew what I needed.

After months of being in Children's, I was told I had to go to intensive inpatient treatment. My thoughts:"this is the biggest joke. I am 2 pounds away from 80 pounds after all of this ridiculous food at the hospital. I am disgusting. I have to go home and loose all of this weight they've put on me before some treatment center is going to think I am sick." My nannie's thoughts:"get your ass in gear and get healthy...you are going to treatment." My parents were in no way able to pay for me to go to a setting that cost over $3,000 a day..that would require me to stay minimum 3 months. However, my nannie and papaw did everything they could and sent me there. No questions asked. My dad would put the Children's hospital bills on my bed each month he got one as a reminder "of what i was doing to the family" by not getting better. I have NEVER heard one word of money in regards to my months of several different treatments from my nannie or papaw. and you know...and I NEVER will. Nannie always told me that she and papaw weren't mad at me. they know i didn't chose to have this illness. She told me she believed in me. . and KNEW i could get better because I had to help other girls who were sick. I had to get better. i would get better. no matter what anyone said/did to me. "You are strong, Cortney...you have to tell yourself that"

My nannie has always been sweeter than she knew what to do with. She always said things that everyone else was thinking, but couldn't say (I say this is where I get this trait from!). She told it to you straight. She was confident. She did what she wanted. Love this about her.

Nannie and papaw loved each other with a love I hope to one day experience (even half of it would do). They called each other Nannie and Papaw...and I always thought those were there real names...until nannie would get mad at papaw and call him Papaw Frank. :) Trent (my older brother) and I used to get car sick like none other. When we lived in Fort Smith, it took 4 hours to get to nannie and papaws. We would travel back and forth several times ove rthe summer so we could stay with them. Nannie always knew to pack saltines and fruit with us because we both would be calling the dinosaurs at some point and would need a snack.

She loved diet dr pepper with lemon. Spaghetti. Cheese dip mixed with salsa. Orange Beach, AL. the RAZORBACKS! all things football. Troy's vanilla milkshakes. Frank Sinatra. Barbara Striesand. Dirty Dancing. Fox News. candy. getting her hair done. and of course...her family and friends...and well, everyone.

 (Cousin, Brock -my beauitful Nannie-brother, Trent--2003 high school graduation checks!)

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

I moved in with my grandparents after I got home from treatment in Arizona and things weren't going well at home. First of all, I was 17 and NOT a happy camper. I was mad at everyone in my life for forcing me to stay in treatment, gain 40 pounds, have a feeding tube and look like an alien, and "abondon" me. Second of all, who in their right mind offers to take care of someone in this condition?! Well, my nannie and papaw. I had to do all of my meals with them. all of my snacks. I had to follow strict rules. I could only have one diet coke a day (ahhh torture!haha). I wasn't allowed to run. I had to sit and watch tv after each meal and not go lay in bed and cry. "you are GOING to get through this, cort." I was mad. I was not pleasant. I argued. I lied. I ran in the middle of the night. I weighed myself 25x a day. I hid food so I wouldn't have to eat it. I was living in a silent hell and i wanted everyone to let me "just run a little and eat less fat..and then I'll be okay".

They didn't kick me out. they didn't call my parents and tell them that I was a terrible human being and they couldn't "deal" (you get used to hearing that you are impossible to "deal" with in these circumstances) with me. You know what they did? Told my parents I was staying longer. My thoughts:"Greaattttttttt" haha. I knew if I went home, there was enough madness going on, I could "get away" with whatever i wanted. While my "friends" were out partying, sneaking out to do crazy teenager things, and dating boys...I was sneaking out to run, hiding diet coke under my bed, religiously performing food rituals, and continuing to lie to my grandparents and everyone else I cared about (who I now know cared enough about me to make me strive to do better). My parents were too busy with family "things" and my sweet brother's teenage rebellion (ha, love you!). It was After I went home and completely stopped taking care of myself again that I was able to understand how badly I needed my nannie and papaw. I was too sick to let them help me, but I knew they were just what I needed. I cried. I wrote them a 10 page letter explaining how sorry and scared I was and that I needed them.

They called me. Crying. and told me they weren't mad. they LOVED me.  I was shocked. I was certain they were done with me, too.

My nannie is more than a "nannie". She is a majority of the reason I have continued to fight this battle. She is why I search for and love the good in others, despite the pain they might have caused me. She is also the reason I will never forget I am worth* being loved..and I am capable of being loved. She has been in my life every.single.step. Never let me go. Never hurt me. Always loved me. Always told me the truth (even when I didn't want to hear it).

My nannie, Carol Ellis, deserves to be honored for her life..and my life. She has given me hope, unconditional love, and joy...more than any other soul. Her and my papaw are/were my best friends. I let nannie know last night when she was in her coma that I would make sure papaw got all 3 meals, got to go to the casino, and didn't mess with her laptop :)

My life is better because you were in it and you will ALWAYS live in my heart.

....until we meet again

i love you.

cortney

"Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts"

Yellow is my favorite color. . I LOVE yellow roses.

I have a feeling I would get yellow roses for all the sappy holidays if someone would be kind enough to order them for me from my dogs. 

After spending two weeks in Fort Smith at the nursing home for clinicals, I am now back in Conway, going to class, babysitting, working as a lab assistant and working on some "goals" I've been given. One, still continues to be writing in my journal and making blog posts. Writing brings me so much peace and a break from a hectic schedule. Ninety nine percent of my day is spent inside my head, worrying about things that I cannot change...and then obsessing about the things I can. It's been pointed out to me that the longer I spend unwilling to change, the more time I will have wasted. Perhaps that sounds negative to some, but I am as hard-headed as they come and sometimes I need to hear it straight. 

I was then asked, "what do you want to be remembered as? who do you want to be?what do you want your life's message to be?" 

Immediately, I responded, " I want to be the person that makes a difference to someone who is trying to survive trauma....I want to show them that they can do it. I want to be living proof that regardless of a world that doesn't support me or want me to be strong, I WILL be strong. I don't want my life to be a waste. I don't want to have struggled for years and it equate to nothing more than a battle within myself. Which, is why I write this blog. I want to reach someone who is where I have been/where I am/or where I want to be...and let them know they aren't alone. We ALL go through similar struggles, some are just hardwired to deal with them..and some need help to get to the point they CAN deal with them. Ever since that question was asked of me, I think about what I do and how it affects everyone around me...for the good...or the bad.

You know when someone you love deeply is hurt? talked rudely to? embarrassed? Sad? etc. . and all you want to do is make that person feel better? I really really hate that feeling. Many times I find myself forgetting myself completely and pouring myself into that individual to do whatever I can to help them. and you know what I also really, really don't like?! When that same person you/I try so hard to help is eventually the cause of you being upset and out of sorts. Actually, I believe that to be the worst pain available. 

We set expectations for others, especially those we care about, and believe they will be carried out. Unfortunately, we are all humans and all mess up. We focus on ourselves and forget how badly we can hurt someone with the tiniest (or biggest!) of errors. 

I might be the worst person/friend when it comes to talking on the phone or in person about things going on in my life. I am Always available to listen to my friends, but when it comes to me opening up via my voice and not my written words, well, it's seemingly impossible. I love to write. I've had journals since I was old enough to write. From time to time, I go back and read different passages (when I was a teenager, I went back and corrected the spelling and grammar of my very first journals..haha). When I was 6, I wrote, "I don't know, but I think I have lost my mind. and I don't know where it went." It cracked me up when I read it, but it's very true. It was about that time that everything started for me. . . and at 6, I literally thought my mind had been stolen. . and actually. . it was. I am 25 years old, but when I am scared, in certain places, or around certain people I become 6 again. We all do things that make us feel "safe" or protect us from other people's words/actions/what have you. For some, their "defense mechanism" is being a complete ass hole and not being affected by the pain they cause others. Not one bit. Seems crazy to me, and probably many of you, but in reality, they are protecting themselves from something, too. I have reminded myself of this over and over these past few weeks. I told a friend today that, "I am tired of less than thoughtful people. I believe I will take a break from them for a bit." and i mean it.

I think I am going to be done being the receiving end of someone's bad attitude. However, in realizing this, I also have to remind myself that I am jsut as capable of causing someone to feel poorly about themselves because of my own bouts with a bad attitude, etc. Maybe I am "sensitive". Maybe I get my feelings hurt more easily than others. However, I am trying to honor the fact that I am now experiencing "feelings" and I can't cut myself down (neither can you!)because I am a human being and am capable of being the source of someone's hurt feelings. I have to remind myself of that good ole golden rule, "treat others as you would like to be treated" and live it. I, for one, generally do not believe it when someone says, "I care about you, yadayadayada". Why? Because you can tell me for hours that you think I am a nice person and you appreciate me..and then immediately walk all over me and instead of "appreciating" me. It's very simple. Do not open up your mouth and tell someone that you "care" about them...if you are going to hurt them with zero intentions of ever "caring" about anything other than yourself. (Getting off soap box).

You know what's annoying?  Worrying. Worrying about when I could text back without looking too interested, when to hang out with someone and when to play "hard to get", when it was okay to compliment a guy without seeming to come on "too strong". I am tired. I do not like games. I wake up some days and wonder if I really was meant to be just me. and my dogs (duh). and some days, I am happy with that idea. others... I get very overwhelmed and think of all the ways I need to change in order to be like all my friends who are married, engaged, in loooove, whatever they may be. and then. I remind myself that I have spent WAY too much of my life trying to hide from who I am...because Ive been embarrassed. I've been scared of admitting to who I am, what I struggle with, how I deal with it, and what my fears are. Why? Because of people who have said terribly ugly things to me because they simply don't understand.  "you are just being dramatic", "you are the vainest person I've ever known", "you need to grow up and move on", "you've already wasted most of your life, why don't you just stop with this game", etc. What I have to say to them (and any one who feels this way towards myself or ANY other human being)is this. "I am sorry you feel this way. If you would like to pass more judgement on me, please, get in line." :) Think about what you say before you say them. Don't EVER underestimate how hard someone is trying to do things that might seem ridiculous to you, but are the hardest steps they've ever made. None of us know or understand someone else's struggles. We can't pretend to. We were made to CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. When we hurt each other, even if the reasons seems over dramatic or non nonsensical, we are hurting ourselves. . .which starts the terrible cycle of unhappy people. 

I don't like it when people are upset because of something someone has said to them that has caused them to re-think all the hard word they have done and are doing. Be nice. Smile. Don't underestimate kind words. If you want people to treat you poorly...well, get some help, and pretend like it's opposite everyday when following the Golden Rule.

Off and away.

Cortney :)

"Don't worry, be happy!"-quote by every dog in the world :)

Currently, I am experiencing a love affair with joy. The neatest part about this, is how I spent soo much time being preoccupied with worry, waited for doom, expected nothing good, and believed that nothing positive was going to come out of my two weeks in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Well. I was wrong. All of the things I worried about happening..have happened. But, I have dealt with them...and am making it.

I have made is 8 days in Fort Smith/Fayetteville. It's been hard. I have cried (waawaa, however, if you know me, you know this is actually not a terrible thing because I normally allow myself to "feel" enough to cry about once a year?) almost daily. I have called my grandparents more than they have gone to the casino in the past week (a LOT). But.

I have found exactly...110% what I want to do with the rest of my life. 

I am joyful.

I love working with the aging population. My grandparents are the best people in my life...not because the are cute, sweet, and older...but because they put everything in their life on hold to send me to hospitals and long term care centers for months at a time to keep me alive. My parents had given up. Some of my friends did the same. My grandparents instead paid the equivalent to a couple years at an Ivy League school for me to spend 4 months at a treatment center. Why? Because they loved me when I was not myself. when I was the most un-lovable. I want to give back to a population that has saved my life with their generosity, compassion, and support. I will no doubt take care of my grandparents when they get to that point, but until then, I want to surround myself with people like them. 

I am thankful.

whenever I get upset or worried, I try to push through and think of what makes me happy...no, *joyful. It makes me smile...which I think somehow makes your brain think you are happy, and all sorts of weird stuff happens in your body and BAM! you be happy (it's science, and probably proven somewhere).

1. Reconnecting with friends from loooong ago (who now have dachshunds, too) :)

2. Eating my favorite food (braum's frozen yogurt) and thinking about good memories that have caused me to love it (my papaw used to take all the grandkids when he came into town and let us get whhhhaaaatever we wanted...go figure I got out of control amounts of every kind of ice cream with chocolate)

3. Spending time with kids I used to babysit..who are now teenagers and don't think they are too cool to be seen with me

4. Finding my name on the University of Arkansas Senior walk (even if i graduated 3 years ago and just found it)

5. Getting a Birthday card with a singing pig on cover, and opening it to read"I know it's not even close to your birthday, but I learned from you that it doesn't matter what the card says, if it has a pig or dachshund on it, it's a must buy" and finding out the card..and money!..were for my high school graduation...that was 7 years ago:)

6. Listening to the nursing home residents say how much they love their life, living, and seeing their loved ones live a happy life. keywords: loving life

7. Discovering what passion feels like 

8. Letting some scary memories go....and making new, happier memories

9. Talking on the phone with friends..and NOT texting them.

10. Getting to see my mom happy. she is babysitting ellie for 2 weeks and i haven't seen her smile and talk so upbeat in..years.

Just a couple quotes that I love and strongly believe in :)

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle - Albert Einstein.

I think everyone should be told they’re beautiful until they believe it  -Unknown

 I Love Lucy. The best show of all time. 


On school nights, my mom used to let my brother and I lay in her bed and watch it before going to bed. She would take turns scratching our backs while we fell asleep and she ate her dinner. This was my favorite part of the day, and I have been thinking about how thankful I am for that time I had with my mom...and brother.   :)


joyfully yours,
cortney

Perspectives: Take 2!

Isn't it neat how we were all, at one time, cute little babies who had NO idea where our lives would lead us? I think it's one of the coolest parts about being human. . .we all, every single one of us, have our very own story. It's OURS. No one can take it from us. 


We are our story. Every. single. bit of it.


We get to decide who we will be, what we will do, the lives we will help by sharing our story, the beliefs we will have about ourselves, etc. etc. etc. I definitely believe that the Big Man upstairs has the ultimate "deciding" about our lives; however, as humans, we have the willpower to make choices. The thousands of people we know/have known/wish-we-didn't-know (heh), what we have seen, what we have felt, all of these such experiences cultivate inside us and give us meaning. define who we are. allow us to love and be thankful for what we have. Experience is what makes us interesting. 


My first day in the nursing home was phenomenal. 


The theme of my life's experiences today: compassion. 


-Love.


 real. true. graceful.  beyond measures- beyond understanding .....love, the kind that we all deserve....regardless of pasts, mistakes, poor relationships, bla bla bla bla bla. LOVE. we need it to survive.


I met a husband and wife (in their 80's)today who have made an incredible impact on my story. The husband is very ill and not able to live independent of long-term care. He is able to do many things with min assistance, but is very weak and doesn't have a great prognosis. 


however.


His beautiful wife has been there every step of the way. She stays with him, read to him, feeds him, talks sports with him, kisses him on the forehead and tells him that she loves him. no matter what. He apologizes to her on a regular basis for putting her through this "hassle", but she whispers... stop. i love you.


I am not a corny, sappy person. Truth be told, I am not a big believer of this thing called love. (between humans. my dogs are a completely different story). I have allowed the less than ideal people who have been in my life to challenge my belief in something that is said to be a basic, human need. Well. Until today. If I am 80 years old before I experience someone who can love me, regardless of the "hassle" of my -story-....well...then that will be just fine. What a blessing compassionate people are, and always have been for me.


Phewwwww, breath of fresh air! I love today. 




Goodnight:)

Perspective “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”

Perspective:
1 a. A view or vista.
b. A mental view or outlook


2 a. The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole
b. Subjective evaluation of relative significance; a point of view
c. The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the difference between my "perspective", reality, and the perspective of the people I find myself around. Isn't it something how we ALL look at the exact same situations, people, things, and places*, but our perceptions are all so uniquely different? 

A beautiful rainbow: sign of hope to some, a sign of disaster, gloom, and death to another. 

A lovely Thanksgiving meal: Lots of food, family, and happy celebration to some..or an overwhelming, out-of-control food smorgoshboard, drunk mother who can't stand up to pray, "it's Thanksgiving, can't you just get over this for one day and eat?" comments to others.

It's all about who we are. why we are. where we come from. who's been there. who's not. what we feel....then, what we see. 

"Grey area" should really be referred to as NO area because for me; I feel most comfortable in the blackest of black, or white white white. If you want grey, go find my old crayon boxes and search for the color that has NEVER been used. And what gets me most, is that even though I don't WANT To be this way...trying to change the way I think is just about as easy as getting my little weenier dogs to laugh at my jokes. 

“You can't see the world from somebody else's point of view and not be changed.”

When I am really upset, stuck inside my mind (why there isn't a "STAY OUT! UNDER CONSTRUCTION!" sign on my brain, I am still unsure), or just feel out-of-sorts, I force myself to do something..anything..for someone else (a NICE thing, y'all).

- - - One of my friends had really horrible finals recently, and so I thought, "what would I want someone to do for me when I am stressed ((you know, where I currently was))?" Unfortunately, this friend is a male, and if I would have dropped off a pair of fancy shoes, outfit for his dog, or new nail polish at this house, he would have been offended. So. Plan B. Food. Chocolate. Lots. of. chocolate. I went to a bakery and got him a piece of cake and a card (one time, I got a card from a boy just saying how thankful he was for my friendship, etc, and bc of this, I will NEVER underestimate the power of words on a store-bought, overpriced, piece of paper). 

- - -I don't know what it did for him, but it sure made my day better. See, my perspective of how people DO care about other people was temporarily changed because I told my nagging, self-doubting thoughts to take a short hike and let me feel joyFUL. and. I did. 

in about 4 hours, I leave Conway to head to Fort Smith for two weeks. this is another one of those situations where there's completely different reactions for different people. I don't "hate" Fort Smith because it's dirty, boring, and lame. I DESPISE Fort Smith because I let it resemble the life I desperately try to run away from....but I continue to live because I am scared to let go of what was and be left with new, wonderful, opportunities to re-make challenges into a new life.  Waaawaaawaaa. Fort Smith, my biggest obstacle. map dot of get-me-the-hell-out-of-here. 

Remember perspective? 

I will be in Fort Smith (not by choice) but because I was assigned to work at a nursing home for 2 weeks for my OT clinicals. Outlook: I am very excited about getting to learn from this new setting and meet new friends (the elderly are my favorite people on earth). Outlookthatsucksbutican'tstopit: I am about to be forced to relive feelings, moments, and thoughts that I have hide inside my journals (the pen and paper type...not the public domain.coms :) ) and refused to re-visit (which I am told is necessary to ever get over them, waawaawaa). I am terrified. I never cry..and I have cried just thinking about my "reality" of the next 2 weeks. Go ahead, question why I would publicly address these fears, how living somewhere for 2 weeks could really be that bad, and why I am so worried about something that could be a "great opportunity"?

-"if you don't do well on these 2 weeks, you are moving home for your summer"

-"you are going to be in a wheel chair by the end of the year and wishing you would listen to me when I tell you that your legs aren't as big as they used to be..so stop running"

-"everyone knows you have something wrong with you....don't lie to yourself"

-"so, has your doctor decided to quit seeing you yet? everyone else has given up on you...even your friends. take ____for example. i'm sure she's so sick of you."

-"You are just like your mother. She doesn't have much longer, and you probably have even less time if you don't get your head on your shoulders"

-"Take care of yourself over these next two weeks. I know you are scared about being back in Fort Smith. Don't let all of this schooling I've paid for go to waste. . .you know this is your last chance."

These are the things I tell myself everyday because I hear them everyday. 

Here's my perspective: 

I am scared shitless of screwing up even more than I already have. I can't hide. I can't run. I am about to go head-first into my personal hell (because I continue to allow myself to feel this way about it). I don't want to keep wasting my life because I am scared. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be around people who tell me I am hopeless. I am NOT hopeless. I want to do great things...not just for other people..but for me. 

I've fought and beaten this battle before. . . please don't get in my way this time :)

“Don't give up on the plant that looks dead... it may be that 

it's just not yet in season.” 

---here we go.....