Eight years ago I was living in Arizona and was forced to go to a ropes course to "look at my fears for what they were"...if you know me at all, you know that I was very annoyed at this silly activity and was talking under my breath about what a dumb idea this was. I have always more afraid of the grease falling of my pizza than my body falling 100 ft off of some rope course. When it was my turn to "release the people and events from my past that kept me stuck from a better life"...I told the rope dude (some psychology guru i'm sure) to JUST let me go!! If I only then knew the power behind those 4 letters...."Just!? Cortney, if you would JUST stop running all the time, or JUST eat, or JUST forget about the people who hurt you...well, you wouldn't be here! JUST isn't fair to put in front of everything you and every other person in this world has fought for. Now tell me, let you go from what?"
Okay, okay back up a minute. Let me remind you, I am not typical. My life belongs to that of a cat...blessing after blessing, I am still here. It's possible that I am just (oops!) as hard-headed as those bros chillin' on Mt. Rushmore. I am a yes or no girl. Black and white, this or that, now or never.
Back to it, folks. "Let me go from what!?" This psych-rope-in-my-face dude was really starting to get on my last nerve. Fortunately for me (or so I thought..eh), since I was a young tator tot, I've been able to manipulate (ouch, that word isn't very nice) anyone into believing my lies about this
*oooshy goooshy what's wrong bla blaa nonsense mess*. Well, after forever minus infinity, I mumbled something about wanting to be able to *just get away from everyone that knew about ..me... and then I would be free from their judgments and could be -happy and healthy- again. haha, silly me! After this was rebuked, I just got mad. I refused to believed I was actually holding more judgement against myself than the rest of the people in my life combined...so, I did what I hadn't done in months. I cried. I screamed. I wanted my dog-Lucy (haha, yep!) and I wanted all of these jokesters (you know, the people that ultimately had my best interest in mind and only wanted my heart to beat for 80+ more years) to back on up. Well, guess what. They went no where. Which was completely bogus because when had anyone ever stayed around when things got hard?! I was determined to get rid of all of these nut cases (the psychos and my friends) and just lie my way through this mind game jungle I had been planted in. You know what?! I worked. I left in 4 months and was determined to go back to ...me.
I was furious at everyone involved in putting me through that hell and as soon as I got back to Arkansas, I removed myself completley from every last one of them (once again, the people who actually gave a damn). After several more years of torturing myself for the guilt I felt towards for myself for torturing myself (tell me about it), I was 19 years old, my heart rate wasn't about 24 BPM, and I was exhausted. My best friend and I hadn't been in contact for a couple years because of what I was doing to myself, I had woken up to phone calls from friends telling me that other friends had passed away because their bodies had had enough, I had been blamed by family member's therapist that my "bull shit" was to blame for THEIR behaviors/illnesses, and my parents decided enough was enough and got divorced. I was supposed to be enjoying my first year of real college (U of A) outside of UAFS, but I was sleeping all day, missing class, drinking 60+ounces of diet coke a day to have energy to try and run, and avoiding any form of reality. Enough is enough...was the theme of that year. One of my very best friends finally got in my face and told me I looked like hell and had to get help. After those months in Arizona, I had always refused any of this "help" people spoke of. Until one rainy morning, Oct 19 (day before my 20th birthday), when i went to the HPER to run and I just couldn't do it. People were staring at me (which i attributed to my unfortunate face, body, what-have-you) and I just couldn't take it. I decided I would run in the rain outside and avoid these stares. I walked outside and passed by a girl I knew from church and just turned my head so I could avoid her "concerns" about my "condition" (I also had just found out I had mono, so I just told everyone that was what was wrong). I ran and ran and ran and after 4 miles (steel memory) I just sat down and cried. I knew I wasn't okay. I thought about all the people over the past 10+ years who had voiced concern for my behaviors, etc and I was just horrible to. I had lied since I was 5 years old to keep myself "safe" from people who cared about me. Irony is something, eh? They say you never know how good you have it until it's (whatever that is) is gone. Well, that minute I knew I was indeed ready to finally "forgive" myself for being a hell-raiser to my own body and to finally let someone deal with me.....and maybe even let them help.
I moved to Florida two days later and spent a year learning what forgiveness was....and you know, I've spent the last week reading all my literature from Florida trying to remember how this "forgiveness" of self and others REALLY works. After several months of ...you guessed it...lying and pretending to be "okay" while in Florida, I had one of those "ah ha! moments--that was way too much to write about on this sweet little blog-- that lead me to the realization that I (nor any of you!) will never be *okay until I am honest with myself and stop hiding from WHO I am. The lady I was working with had me write a story from age 5 to now....explaining why, who, and what I am. I've shared that with only the people closest to me (5 of you) and it really has made a difference in being okay and not embarrassed of who I am. I talked to one of these ladies that I worked with just the other day...and she told me to start a blog and tell people about me...and maybe....just like I've been so blessed by people...in telling parts of my story.. I can help someone else. I've had so much on my mind lately concerning where I've been and what I've done to try and get stronger. I decided that I would make this first blog entry about the one thing that holds me back day after day...forgiveness--of myself and others. All of my posts won't be this in-depth, but some might be! Now I believe-with all of my heart-...that e v e r y single thing we experience as human beings happens to us so we can help someone else out who goes through it after us.
"Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened. It doesn’t even mean the other person will change his behavior — you cannot control that. All it means is that you are letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place."
Now, on to taking picture of my dogs in their bikinis! :) Have a MARVELOUS day! Thanks for reading!
Cortney, you are so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteCocoa! I Love You!
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