Keeping my word; writing about it.

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” 


the origin of TRUST: Middle English, probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trēowe faithful — 

definition of TRUST:

 -belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

 -assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

 -one in which confidence is placed

      - dependence on something future or contingent :  hope

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” 

I'm not entirely sure what the "red sauce" that comes on enchiladas is, but I am sure that I prefer it not coming on my order. When I tell the waiter I'd like cheese dip as a replacement, I trust that he will write it down and then deliver the red-sauceless entree. However, if there is a slip up and he brings me red sauce, I am most assuredly going to ask him/her to please replace it with cheese. You see, I trust the waiter to fix the mistake, no questions asked. I figure he'll apologize and quickly get the order I asked for. I trust that this will be the outcome because I, like every other person fortunate enough to have the money to eat out, have had an order mix up. I have seen how after the problem has been discovered, there in lies a solution to the problem: provide me with what I communicated to you I wanted, if not the first time, most assuredly, the second time (foot note: I have NOT had a bad run in with red sauce lately).

When we do something that reserves the right to be analyzed and discussed so it doesn't happen again, we (I) feel super uncomfortable and will probably go to all lengths to never do whatever the behavior was again.

Why?

Because we know our behavior wasn't acceptable to someone for someone or multiple people. As a general rule, we try to provide the least amount of conflict between ourselves and others. It doesn't feel good to be the source of someone else's anger. or their sadness. It is so much safer to learn from our "mistakes" than to continue pursuing whatever behavior or thoughts are creating the "problem/s".

Trust is something we learn. We are taught what trust is by our parents, friends, peers. We LEARN what trust is after we experience what it feels like to trust and be mislead. Lied to. "Cheated". Fooled. Until we feel the hurt deceit and dishonesty cause, we can never fully understand how dangerous other's can be and how careless they can be with the trust we granted them. However. We learn....do we ever learn.

Our lives take us places that we can't imagine until we arrive. Two weeks ago, I brought my mom a new outfit to wear on a "dinner date" with me. Currently, she is in the intensive care unit, struggling to know the day of the week. Today, I got a text from my best friend's mom. It said:

"When you feel like you're flapping in the wind, remember it's God's wind. He controls the timing and temperature, the duration and the direction."

Taking time out of her day to console me and where I am was overwhelmingly meaningful. She also sat flowers outside my house to brighten up my day. How wonderful that in the midst of following a pessimistic and negative thought pattern in regards to human beings, I find reasons to rejoice in the good, loving people.

 (baby giraffe, heelllooo!)

I suppose sometimes our hearts have to be completely squeezed, suffocated, stomped on, laughed at, ridiculed, and lied to....before we can fight the battles God has ahead for us. I wonder about things. A lot of things. I question why people do the things they do to other people. I cry when I find out about struggles my friends are overcoming secondary to someone hurting them, torturing their hearts and souls. I beg God to help me understand. . .

and then I read some words all put together that made me take a deep breath and let go of a fragment of my worries....
"Don't try to make sense out of nonsense."

Tadaa! Seriously, so much time I have spent wasted on worrying why I am not "up to par" for someone. Nonsense. It's all nonsense. I AM UP TO PAR. The person/people who deceive you and push you down when you didn't know your heart could fall further...they need so much love. So much of something that maybe, we just can't give them. Maybe no one can. . maybe not even that other girl.

The preacher at the hospital asked me, "how are you?" "do you have a good support system?" "do you have anyone you can reach out to?" In those moments, as I sat by myself with Mr. Preacher (German name, no way I can spell that one), I thought about how overwhelmingly fortunate I am to have friends. Perhaps the person who I needed to be there made excuses as to why he couldn't be, but I had FRIENDS who would get on airplanes to come sit next to me and let me cry on their shoulder.

Sometimes, the people we give our trust to, well, they don't deserve it. They don't earn it. In all actuality, they continue to show us why they DON'T deserve it but we give it to them because we deeply long for them to be who we believe them to be.  Unfortunately, life can be tricky. Scary. Too much.

We all mess up. say the wrong thing. forget to say thank you. lie to get out of a dinner we don't want to go to. look past other's needs only to meet our own. eat the last of the ice cream and put the near empty carton back in the freezer (do not EVER do this to me). We make the choice to either recognize or ignore our wrong doings. Look away and reassure ourselves we had the best of intentions, but better someone else got hurt and not us. It hurts to open ourselves up and realize we are capable of causing another human being pain and heart ache. (If it doesn't hurt you to do that, please consider talking to someone about your sociopathic tendencies and get that handled!)

“When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be."