"Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

  I love this so much.

I watched the movie, Garden State, for the first time this past week. Wildly in love with Natalie Portman's character, Sam. . .

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."

Isn't it something how the decisions we make every moment lead us to...more decisions and even more frightening...consequences. That word should have fire balls blasting out of it anytime it is written (because I feel that might get the point accross better for brick-heads like myself).

Perhaps the places we allow our minds to go aren't always real destinations. Maybe... fear is something that perches itself on our brain stem and just waits to attack when we are weak and scared. I've decided Fear has not only latched his sharp claws into every lobe of my brain, but dives into my blood stream, often, to take a vacay to my heart (round trip fare). I desected a human heart in Gross Anatomy last year, and let me tell you, that is one complicated organ. Once you let someone (Fear, or a non-mythical creature) into that 4 chambered mastermind, they aren't leaving anytime soon. Fear especially, because he seems to come in the heart on the human's side cart. . . at least good ole Fear is a reliable pest, eh?!

FEAR: /fi(ə)r/ : An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

Explanation: I go months without allowing myself to believe Mr. Fear is really on all eight (i'd like to him as a poisonous insect) legs ready to put up a hefty  fight. I might have perfected the "nervous laugh". I don't believe in sharing feelings because I feel like my friends are going to decide to charge me for their time (note:my friends are fabulous) and energy (remember: it takes many, many times for me to accept advice an even longer for me to act on it). I am not stupid, I seem to just forget to take care of myself in order to prosper and therefore acquire more canine friends. :) I was in a relationship once where my BF knew when it was about time for another one of my crys...every 2 months I think it was. "Cortney, are you going to get emotional again now or what' your problem?" haha, poor guy had no idea how to handle feelings... especially his regarding mine.  I think honesty is important, I just would rather not be honest with myelf on behalf of my thoughts/feelings/behaviors. It's complicated and I would much rather be free from proactive lifestyle (Or so it would seem). It's easier to live in the past and ponder why things don't end up how you had so badly hoped, than to conquer your fears and learn lessons so they aren't continuallyx130,394,482 repeated.

Reality: Staying mad at yourself BC someone else (you know, the person you are constantly upset about but doesn't know you exist) is not living up the expecations you have created for them is a terribly dangerous journey. Stop it. Let go of the fear that it is YOU that sucks and isn't deserving of another person. Worthiness is a birthright, take it or leave it.

What next: Cheesy, yes. But i love it. When I was in the hospital in Florida, a therapist person told me to find a picture of myself when I was a little girl....when I was as unaware of the harsh realities of being hurt by people...even the ones I loved the most. She told me to look at this picture whenever I am upset, or hurt by these same realities of being let down by the expecations I set for others. When i am going down the road of creating painful thought and all I want to do is tell myself how unworthy or terrible I am....I think about this little girl. She's still in there, but I (you) have to take care of her in order for her to prosper, live a happy life, and help others find joy.

"Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults."