1 a. A view or vista.
b. A mental view or outlook
2 a. The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole
b. Subjective evaluation of relative significance; a point of view
c. The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance
Lately, I've been trying to focus on the difference between my "perspective", reality, and the perspective of the people I find myself around. Isn't it something how we ALL look at the exact same situations, people, things, and places*, but our perceptions are all so uniquely different?
A beautiful rainbow: sign of hope to some, a sign of disaster, gloom, and death to another.
A lovely Thanksgiving meal: Lots of food, family, and happy celebration to some..or an overwhelming, out-of-control food smorgoshboard, drunk mother who can't stand up to pray, "it's Thanksgiving, can't you just get over this for one day and eat?" comments to others.
It's all about who we are. why we are. where we come from. who's been there. who's not. what we feel....then, what we see.
"Grey area" should really be referred to as NO area because for me; I feel most comfortable in the blackest of black, or white white white. If you want grey, go find my old crayon boxes and search for the color that has NEVER been used. And what gets me most, is that even though I don't WANT To be this way...trying to change the way I think is just about as easy as getting my little weenier dogs to laugh at my jokes.
“You can't see the world from somebody else's point of view and not be changed.”
When I am really upset, stuck inside my mind (why there isn't a "STAY OUT! UNDER CONSTRUCTION!" sign on my brain, I am still unsure), or just feel out-of-sorts, I force myself to do something..anything..for someone else (a NICE thing, y'all).
- - - One of my friends had really horrible finals recently, and so I thought, "what would I want someone to do for me when I am stressed ((you know, where I currently was))?" Unfortunately, this friend is a male, and if I would have dropped off a pair of fancy shoes, outfit for his dog, or new nail polish at this house, he would have been offended. So. Plan B. Food. Chocolate. Lots. of. chocolate. I went to a bakery and got him a piece of cake and a card (one time, I got a card from a boy just saying how thankful he was for my friendship, etc, and bc of this, I will NEVER underestimate the power of words on a store-bought, overpriced, piece of paper).
- - -I don't know what it did for him, but it sure made my day better. See, my perspective of how people DO care about other people was temporarily changed because I told my nagging, self-doubting thoughts to take a short hike and let me feel joyFUL. and. I did.
in about 4 hours, I leave Conway to head to Fort Smith for two weeks. this is another one of those situations where there's completely different reactions for different people. I don't "hate" Fort Smith because it's dirty, boring, and lame. I DESPISE Fort Smith because I let it resemble the life I desperately try to run away from....but I continue to live because I am scared to let go of what was and be left with new, wonderful, opportunities to re-make challenges into a new life. Waaawaaawaaa. Fort Smith, my biggest obstacle. map dot of get-me-the-hell-out-of-here.
Remember perspective?
I will be in Fort Smith (not by choice) but because I was assigned to work at a nursing home for 2 weeks for my OT clinicals. Outlook: I am very excited about getting to learn from this new setting and meet new friends (the elderly are my favorite people on earth). Outlookthatsucksbutican'tstopit: I am about to be forced to relive feelings, moments, and thoughts that I have hide inside my journals (the pen and paper type...not the public domain.coms :) ) and refused to re-visit (which I am told is necessary to ever get over them, waawaawaa). I am terrified. I never cry..and I have cried just thinking about my "reality" of the next 2 weeks. Go ahead, question why I would publicly address these fears, how living somewhere for 2 weeks could really be that bad, and why I am so worried about something that could be a "great opportunity"?
-"if you don't do well on these 2 weeks, you are moving home for your summer"
-"you are going to be in a wheel chair by the end of the year and wishing you would listen to me when I tell you that your legs aren't as big as they used to be..so stop running"
-"everyone knows you have something wrong with you....don't lie to yourself"
-"so, has your doctor decided to quit seeing you yet? everyone else has given up on you...even your friends. take ____for example. i'm sure she's so sick of you."
-"You are just like your mother. She doesn't have much longer, and you probably have even less time if you don't get your head on your shoulders"
-"Take care of yourself over these next two weeks. I know you are scared about being back in Fort Smith. Don't let all of this schooling I've paid for go to waste. . .you know this is your last chance."
These are the things I tell myself everyday because I hear them everyday.
Here's my perspective:
I am scared shitless of screwing up even more than I already have. I can't hide. I can't run. I am about to go head-first into my personal hell (because I continue to allow myself to feel this way about it). I don't want to keep wasting my life because I am scared. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be around people who tell me I am hopeless. I am NOT hopeless. I want to do great things...not just for other people..but for me.
I've fought and beaten this battle before. . . please don't get in my way this time :)
“Don't give up on the plant that looks dead... it may be that
it's just not yet in season.”
---here we go.....
No comments:
Post a Comment