Blue cups & Bikini pictures; Fast forward.

She picked me up with her most recent booze cup in hand. It's always in hand. That's how I know her. It doesn't leave. They are connected. It even has grips for better holding comfort.

It used to be a blue cup. ..with a crack down the side. 

It still smells like booze, even though it has been filled with diet coke for the past 10 years. I don't let anyone else use that cup but myself. I love that cup. I worry that it will completely shatter one day. Very soon. The blue cup has a clear cup counterpart and they were both shipped in a box to my dad's, 10 years ago. There they sit, waiting for me to come home and use them. 

I went to Miami this weekend for a Bachelorette party for a friend I've been best friends with since the 3rd grade. This whole "Callie getting married thing" has been a dream we've both thought about since we were little bitty. We were the girlfriends who stayed up all night talking about boys and such things. One time, we decided to rage against our parents (ha) and stay up ALL night on the phone with each other because they wouldn't let us spend the night together. We were attached at the hip. Cortney and Callie. Always...Cortney and Callie. We went on vacations together. She wrote me letters everyday when I was on my "get healthy vacations" we will call them. We never left each other's side. She knows me. 

I have a large drawer full of bathing suits. Most have never been worn. Might still have tags. Not a one of them "fits" me, or so I feel. I hate those bathing suits. All of them. When I put them on, I instantly get a sense of complete disgust. I see a body that I don't understand. I am so tired of that. It's absolutely ridiculous that my best friends can put a bathing suit on and walk around in front of people and not break out in hives. Seriously. I am sick of it.

In the past ten years, there are less than 10 people I have ever worn a bathing suit around. I count all the time. I used to make my grocery list according to the isle each item was on. It was all in order. Memorized by the calories in each item. My mind is packed full of numbers I wonder why I wasn't ever able to memorize dates in history or birthdays of family. 

She brings her cup everywhere we go.. it's her and cup. Not ever, ever just her. She is scared of being alone..no, she is terrified of being alone. Her cup is full of what she needs to keep her mind from letting her be alone. She needs what's in that cup. . temporary satisfaction in those liquids. .they create false illusions for her. They create a peace in her mind. Inside that cup lies the power to erase the horrible things that have happened to her. Temporarily deletes the things she has done that have scared the ones she loves. It goes away. Everything leaves her.

While in Miami, everyone was getting pictures by the beach, pool, with one and another. I had discussed with myself (internally, thank the Lord) on the plane that if no one else put t shirts on over their bathing suits for pictures, I had to also just wear my bathing suit. I never dreamed I would have followed my own orders and take pictures with out a cover up. Heaven help my heart that beat 5x faster the entire day I was in a bathing suit, and 10x faster when taking pictures. 

And then...

I decided I could crop one of the pictures to where you could only see 40% of my bathing suit body. Every single time I see someone post a pic of them in a bathing suit on facebook, I cringe. Temporarily stop breathing and wonder if they are okay? are they eating? are they proud of their body? are they happy? So, I try and ignore those pictures and I sure as HELL would never post a picture of me in a bathing suit. Because, umm, no one wants to see any of that.

and then...

I got a text from a friend who told me to post pictures! of you at the beach! of the good looking Miami boys! of everything! Hmmmmmm, well..... what would happen to me if I posted the cropped picture of me at pretty Miami beach!? 

What if my phone completely broke in half. Everyone saw the picture and was so embarrassed for me posting a picture of myself...ordinary, nothing special, me. What if someone commented about how much fat I have on my body? What if the entire facebook corp. shut down because I posted this picture..of me..in a bathing suit? or......WHAT IF....nothing bad happened. No one made mean comments. I was....

okay.

She called me so many times in the middle of the night, crying, begging me to tell her I loved her. Wanting re-assurance that she wasn't the reason I have struggled with my body most of my life. Making sure I knew that she cared about me. 

I have stayed up many nights wondering what I could do to help her. To make her better. To show her how wonderful she is. To BEG her to go back to rehab and get help. As much as you can want something for someone, they have to want it even more for it to ever happen. I know this all too well..which makes it sometimes debilitating.

The support I got from my close friends in regards to me posting a picture of myself in a bathing suit was amazing. The texts and messages telling me how "proud" "happy" they were for me to take such a giant step was simply overwhelming. I am so blessed. My life is a blessing to me, Cortney. I struggled so much to not throw my phone into the ocean when I saw what I looked like in those pictures of me in a bathing suit. Until I started reading. the Word. remembering, 

Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you.

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

No matter what, I am a human being. in a body. living on earth. trying so hard to live fully and be a living testament to Him and what He has done to take away this struggle I live with. . .the struggle She lives with. . .

When I let that skanknasty devil take over my heart, mind, and soul I turn into the girl who refuses to eat whenever else is because I don't deserve the calories. I tell myself how fat my legs are and how embarrassed I should be to be anywhere around people. I believe the lies. My heart aches and feels so, so terribly empty. My mind reminds my heart of the people who want me to hurt. Who say I am hopeless. 

When I lay on the sandy, God-made beach and beg him to take over my mind and fill it with joy and thanksgiving, He shows me his love. The sunshine he controls blasts all over my body  (you know, the one in the bikini) and I feel His presence. I turn over and look down and see my legs. I am devastated. Why can't they look different?

NO!

STOP!

"“...Often the hardest person to fight for is... yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. Without you, much will be lost." -Captivating

She walks in to her house and refills her cup. Alone. She says she went to church, she told me what she is going to eat (she won't) for dinner. She does it all without Him. She doesn't know how to let go. She is so scared. She is sick. She doesn't see the elephants all over the room. everywhere she goes, there they go...right beside her. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I hate it, in fact. I have to let her see those elephants. She has to before she will change. Maybe she will read this blog. Maybe she will be angry. Maybe you know someone you have all these feelings of hope towards. Maybe they will look for help. othey won't. Whatever happens, has been orchestrated to happen exactly when it does. No matter what we do. I've decided to have faith in that. To let go. To sttop torturing myself over the things I have zero control over. I will fail, but then I will pick myself up and try again. and again. and again. 

I mean....I did post a picture that over 1,000 people could see....of me...in a bathing suit. Ahhh! Anything you think you can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do....

you can.

(unless it has to do with dating, because I haven't figured out anything on that subject :) )

Do this to someone's starbucks cup...day uplifter fooo shooo

:)

Cortney