This girl is AMAZING...
When I was 12, I played the violin for a year. I was absolutely terrible. I had such big ideas of the things I was going to be able to play on my violin, but I never got past "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I moved on. Chased new dreams (after this picture, of course).
my Bible (study bible, of course. so much easier to understand!)
The Purpose Driven Life
Captivating
The Shack
and now Breaking Free
Notice a trend?
I'm almost 27 years old (October 20th, you know, same as Tom Petty<333) and I feel like I am 14. I am terrified about growing up.....you'd think I was a sheltered child with no real life experience in ...life?!
When I was 20, I was living in Florida, with a husband and wife I didn't know anything about (ended up being the two best people I've ever met) working 3 jobs to survive, and learning how to keep myself out of the hospital. Looking back, I have no idea how I did it. Suppose when you have no other options, you do what you have to. . until life changes, again.
I love to tell stories. Hear stories. Laugh about things we used to do, say, wear, like, etc. I love people. Like, I love people a lot. It has proven to be helpful and harmful, just as most things in life are. Listening to people tell me their story...who they are...is my most favorite thing of absolutely all time.
Perhaps it's only natural that I love listening to people tell me who they are. . what's happened to them to make them that way. . who they credit with bringing about better memories. . what they long to do with their life. . what they believe in. . etc. For many, many months, I have been forced to sit in rooms and spill my heart out to people I might or might not know. Analyzing me. Asking me ...why? why are you the way you are? what happened to you? what do you like about yourself? what do you see when you look in the mirror? what makes you happy? what makes you sad? so on and on and on and on and so forth.
One time, I remember (read it in a journal, and hence remember) getting so tired of having to do this, I said, "I believe i look as if i'm half sow half calf.....and I feel.. I feel like a rotten strawberry, sir."
It's been a loooong process to get to the point where I can write about "feelings"/thoughts/stories...haha, rotten strawberry. That was clever. . at least I thought so :)
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I love hearts. I take pictures of anything I see that looks like a heart. .everything else going on in my life is put on halt until I get a picture. Two of my most recent..
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Pretty yellow leaf<3.JPG)
(Chip piece broken into a heart) <3
“Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” -Rick Warren
After about 3 months of living in Florida, I had had enough of doing what I was being told to do. I was done listening to "what's best for me". I had tuned everyone out and started listening only to myself...once again. I quit answering phone calls. Put on a smile when I was around my doctors and friends, but was so scared. My heart was shattered because I gave up on it ever growing back together. I was tired of physically hurting from having so much food in my stomach. Done with food.. with finishing my bars and boost drinks. Done. I was sitting at the table one afternoon for snack and I just stared at the snack and balance bar sitting in front of me. I refused to touch them. Enough was enough. I was in charge, and i said no more. no.more.
(filed under vomit in my files, yuck)
(( fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with cmy righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10-13))
After two hours of sitting at that table, crying with every ounce of energy I had, explaining to my nutritionist and therapist that I didn't care anymore. I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep fighting. I was too tired. I couldn't live inside that body anymore. I had to turn back to where I was months ago. I screamed.."Please just leave me alone and let me do what I know I need to do to be okay"... tears wouldn't stop. For two hours I was surrounded by two of the most Christ-filled woman I've ever met. They poured love in to my hungry soul. Begged me to let me let them help. I was curled up in a ball in my chair, covered in tears. Control was no where in sight. Flashbacks wouldn't exit my mind and I was stuck inside a body that wouldn't let go of past hurts. A 210 calorie balance bar and 60 calorie serving of fruit had complete control over my body, life, mind, spirit,....everything. I was a slave to those calories.... To the fear of completely giving up and letting something...Someone stronger than me...taking over and helping me.
At beginning of hour 3 (at this time, everyone had left work, but the 2 ladies sitting with me at table), one of the ladies said, "I'm going to eat this snack with you. Can I have one of your bars and some grapes?" I was so confused. Shocked. Unsure what to do. I said, "wait, you are going to eat 270 calories just because...I don't want you to not eat dinner now though". She laughed and assured me she was going to be fine. Thirty minutes later, we had both eaten the snacks. Together. She was right by my side, no matter how horrible and mean I was regarding giving up. She never left. She believed in me...she cared. I'll never forget her. I'll never forget what it feels like to be completely done. finished. defeated. . .but then to be brought back to believing there was something out there for me...that I had a ....purpose. I had meaning....so much more meaning than 270 calories could ever take away from me...from my heart. People are put in our lives for such an amazing purpose. . .
(completely irrelevant to subject, but I laughed...a lot)I have an extreme fear of letting people help me...to do anything. Fold my laundry. Buy my lunch. Move my furniture. Listen to me. Talk me out of my worries. All of it. For most of my life, I believed that when someone helped you, that meant you were weak and completely outside of your own control. Control. Control. Control. Please. Don't take my control. Ever. When you grew up in my story, that is what was my most prized possession. And if controlling the calories that went inside my body was the only control I had in my entire life...well, then that it was.
(cute dog in monkey pj's)Being nearly 27, I feel like I should have outgrown this crippling fear of needing control and NOT needing absolutely anyone. anyone. You know, pushed it away with my fears of the dark (maybe that's still there..!?!), snakes (oh, that one, too), or eating yogurt with a spoon (okay, listen, we've established that I'm not "typical"...ha :)
I have been diving deep in to places of my heart that i've strayed so far from as to hope to punch them in the face and move on from them. So, very far away. Without writing 1,000 more words about what I've been doing lately to get myself to this place, I'll tell you in spark notes:
1. My faith...my God.
I am so tired of "Christians" making me want to do anything but be like "them". So, so very tired. Always posting bible verses, but showing absolutely no evidence of living a life of faith. Pushing *religion in to other's way. Hurting people, in fact because they aren't living Godly lives but instead putting themselves and their ability to lead people to God number 1...and not God. It's so sad. and Not okay.
Therefore, I decided a few months ago to let them do their own thing...and I will figure out what a "Christian" really is. I've been a believer and gone to church off and on most of my life, but I have never..ever given myself over to God. Ever. I have been partially in..a lot out. The crumbling fear of letting go of my need to control my life and myself has put a major wall up for years. It's been an overwhelmingly emotional thing to do. Every day I feel like giving up and giving myself complete control again. I continue to push onward. (because I pray 30 times an hour for help). Understanding I will not ever be perfect continues to be a battle I fight throughout the day. . and learning that even as I push towards opening up my heart and life to be stronger in my faith. . I will never reach the standards I have set for myself throughout the years. . because I am human. .and the only perfect person. . .isn't a person. <3
What works out exceptionally well is knowing that exactly where I am.....He will take me back. Such a lovely thought.
<3 It's something how life makes sense when you realize everything happens for another reason and another reason and then again....another reason. For a purpose. A BIG purpose. Remember that little control issue I have?! Let me tell you, this whole "letting go and letting God" has been unimaginably difficult. For the past 3 months, I have learned so much about myself. . .and am learning to accept. . .I am exactly where I am supposed to be . .and everything is going to happen as it should. . even if I don't always agree :)
Shouts outs to my phenomenal friends who have been angels these last few months. . .and continue to be:)
"To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do--to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst-is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Just a little Zonkey, no big deal.
Love love love,
Cortney
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