I told myself, says I....that me love you, life.

I sat next to a man today as he took his last breaths. . horribly scary breaths.

 I never got to ask him what his favorite color was. I always ask people I am interested in what their favorite color is.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." -Maya Angelou

He had on blue. I wonder if that was his favorite color. Or was it what his wife picked out for him to wear.

One thing after another. And then something else, but wait, there's more. And then something else. It's always something.

Always, we always have time to battle the worries that take up space in all four lobes of our brains.
"my legs look disgustingly huge" = I am not ever going to feel safe inside my own body
"I will  never be as pretty as her" = I am not compatible with beauty and will be alone forever
"I said something to upset them" = I am in control of other's feelings and am the source of their pain

I make time to worry. It's like I unconsciously have filled out a planner and penciled in time to worry about all the things I am lacking. the things that I don't have that if I did have would make me a better person. I start worrying that I am worrying too much. That someone's going to notice. Tell me I am selfish because I am so worried about myself. how I affect others. how others see me.

Blue. It was the color his face was before it turned beat red. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he knew how every single soul in that gym was reaching out to him. Hoping to ease his pain. To protect him from fear. His soul left his body when he lay flat on a blue mat. Blue. It's how the people who saw him lose his life feel tonight. Life was stopped mid sentence...just like that.

I like yellow. it's my favorite. When I was little, my brother would give me the yellow and orange starburst but not share the rest. I felt sad for those little orange and yellow candies because no one wanted them... they were always the last choices. So, I decided yellow was my favorite color and orange my second favorite. I always get to be the yellow game piece in board games because no one chooses yellow then, either. I was so excited when Coldplay wrote the song, Yellow. What a fabulous idea.

As I sat in something more than shock, watching this man lose his earthly life, I couldn't catch my own breath. I looked at my 87 year old friend I was trying to protect from seeing the fellow man lose his life and we both were completely unsure what to do. So we did nothing. I put my hand on his hand and he grabbed my hand. We were both experiencing something our hearts will never forget. Life. As it was leaving one man's body, we continued to have beating...pounding..hearts that carried our life.

I have been completely unable to push through the battles in my head lately. Just been sitting with them. Hosting dinner parties for them, more or less. Giving up hope. Telling myself my hopes were mere fantasies. That the hurtful things that have been said to me are all well deserved. That I was inevitably going to remain stuck. Why not? It's much easier to believe falsities than fight for the truth..especially when you have people blasting hurtful messages your way.

but......being blue doesn't help anyone. Especially you.

So, we have this life. just one of them.

and instead of spending our time worrying about what's not just how we wish it was....maybe we should spend that time using our entire hearts to protect our minds from worrying...by spending that time doing things to promote living.

so thankful to be given life. My life.

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"-Bob Marley 

Blessings<3
Cortney