*Whatever You Fight, You Strengthen, and What You Resist, Persists*

It's Wednesday. .and to my Nannie, that meant "Ladies day" at the casino buffet. Even though she would only eat a small salad, fruit, sweet potato (swore buffets had the best), bites of my papaw's lunch, and maybe a sugar-free piece of cake (diabetic), she loved going to eat lunch in Helena or Tunica. Wednesday nights I always talked to her and heard about who won $, what was best on the buffet, and that she has been laying on the couch since they got home. Even though I know she is having a "ladies day" every single day in Heaven,  I am struggling so much to accept that Wednesdays...aren't Wednesdays anymore. 

"When you come to the end of all the light that you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."

I took my first kickboxing class tonight...and let me tell you...I have not a fighting muscle in my body. Physically, I would like to be able to smash a bad guy in the face, put him in the sleeper hold, and then drag him off into a swamp and then let the police people get him there. I have this weird self esteem thing where I think I am bigger, stronger, and meaner than anyone who would try to hurt me...because why would I let myself believe I was physically AND emotionally weak? Not happening. Because I am not.  However, I'm learning that without emotional (waawaa get over it if you are weirded out by emotions or talk of them) strength, boundaries, and balance one can never become "strong" in any sense. If we go through the process (long o journey) of acclimating ourselves with who we are, what we stand for, and what we believe, then we can gain the strength it takes to overcome any obstacle. .

Even the seemingly impossible obstacle of accepting that you have to be okay even though you no longer have the woman who was your everything because it was her time to go to Heaven.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." 

I get very distracted with the world: the problems I create for myself. the lies other people say, and I believe. the lies i say to myself, and I believe. false friends. hateful comments. people misunderstanding my reality. me misunderstanding people's reality.

"Patience with ourselves"...what a lovely idea. Allowing ourselves to actually "go through" feelings and not bypass them and believe that we "got over" something that, consequently, we have merely brushed aside. 

Today is Wednesday, June 6, 2012. Even though I don't have my grandmother around anymore to remind me to keep my head up, do what I know is best, and listen to people who matter....doesn't mean I can allow myself to forgot those things. 

Must. Push. On. 

*My papaw called me today and asked if I wore a size 7 shoe (no) because nannie had about 15 pair of shoes that had never been worn (what a great woman!) and he wanted someone to wear them. My nannie LOVED sketchers. . but called them "skeeters". . and always wanted me to know how comfortable they are. Well, maybe I'll have to try some skeeters out next time i am needing some kicks.

:)

Blessings y'all!

cortney

American flag fanny pack the 4th of July 2011, check! <3